Midnight Sun
by Insomniac Wolfie
Summary: I have taken on the momentous task of completing Midnight Sun, which is on permanent hiatus. It is the entire story of Twilight, but from Edward Cullen's first-person perspective. I've been told I write like SM, but that's for you to decide...
1. Chapter 11: Complications Part 2

**A/N: Please, let me know if there's anything I got wrong in the dialogue so it can be fixed ASAP.** **Also, feel free to comment on how you think I'm doing with Edward's character. If there's something I have him say/think outside of SM's pre-transcribed Twilight realm that you just don't think works with his character, let me know.**

**This picks up where Stephenie Meyer's "Midnight Sun" leaves off- about page 227 of Twilight. Midnight Sun can be found on Stephenie's official website****.

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**Complications Part 2**

I watched her from my peripheral vision as she walked out the front door and shut it behind her. She didn't even bother to lock the deadbolt. Strange. I wondered why that was. I knew Forks was a small and relatively danger-less town, but still. If there were to be a random string of sudden home invasions, there was no doubt in my mind that the criminal would start with Chief Swan's residence.

She paused before she opened the door of my Volvo, and the curiosity burned- a sensation overshadowed the very moment her hesitation was over and she opened the door. Her sweet scent filled the car and my throat burned once more, a rabid, insatiable fire. And yet, I couldn't get enough of her. I smiled.

"Good morning. How are you today?" I searched her face for any signs of distress. I had tried to stay with her the night before, just to watch and listen to her sleep-talk, but she had a very bad night. She kept waking up. Fearing that I would be caught in her bedroom in the middle of the night, I, of course, went for a run. A different kind of run, however, from those that had lead me to Seattle just days earlier. Had it only been days since I realized she wanted to be with me? Since the hope swelled within me?

"Good, thank you." I eyed the purple circles under her eyes. Was she lying to me, or was she honestly so innocent that a little lack of sleep didn't bother her?

"You look tired."

"I couldn't sleep." It infuriated me how she moved her hair to cover her face, as if to hide the circles from me. She also blocked off her eyes- the only window I currently had to her mute soul. I smiled suddenly. We had something in common.

"Neither could I." She laughed as I started the engine, aware of the difference between my car and her truck. I wondered how she ever was satisfied, driving that decrepit old thing.

"I guess that's right. I suppose I slept just a little bit more than you did."

"I'd wager you did."

"So what did you do last night?"

"Not a chance. It's my day to ask questions." Had she forgotten?

"Oh, that's right. What do you want to know?" _Everything._

"What's your favorite color?" Color seemed like a simple question to start with. Mundane, and yet revealing.

"It changes from day to day." And she complained I was an enigma. She asked me questions that revealed so much of how I felt without revealing anything she felt, and when it finally came my turn to ask questions… this.

"What's your favorite color _today_?"

"Probably brown."

"Brown?" As hard as I tried, the skepticism still leaked into my voice. What on earth was appealing about brown? It was an unusual color, not natural to the rainbow. I was expecting blue or pink or red, but _brown_…

"Sure. Brown is warm." I was suddenly struck by the truth of her words. Her hair was brown. Her eyes were brown. I contemplated this as she ranted about the viridescence of Forks.

"I _miss_ brown. Everything that's supposed to be brown- tree trunks, rocks, dirt- is all covered up with squashy green stuff here." I looked into her eyes as she spoke. Her brown eyes. I don't think she realized the blush that crept up into her cheeks when I did this. But it made the fire within my throat burn even hotter.

"You're right. Brown is warm." I was breaking so many rules. I shouldn't be allowed to touch her, no matter how much I wanted to. Every mistake I made, every "t" I left uncrossed, every "i" I left undotted, every rule I broke was one step closer down the path that Alice saw and I feared. I was walking, slowly but ever so willingly, down the path of white marble skin and red eyes. Or the path of white skin and blank eyes. And yet, couldn't help it.

I hesitated, slowly moving my hand ever closer to her face. When she did not cringe or pull away from me, I gently swept her hair behind her shoulder so I could see her entire face once more.

"What music is in your CD player right now?" I inquired as I parked.

"Linkin Park." How strange. I suppressed the urge to laugh. That was definitely not the answer I was expecting. Then again, Bella never gave me what I expected. I flipped open the compartment where I kept the CDs as I realized I had it with me.

"Debussy to this?"

I continued to question her all day. There was so much I wanted to know, and so little that could be found out by her simple one-word answers. On rare occasions, though, my questions made her blush. These were the questions I worked off of, building a base for what I thought her character would be.

Without a never ending stream of her thoughts to inform me, prying information out of her was all that I had to work with. I wanted to know everything- her favorite and hated movies, where she'd been, where she wanted to go, her favorite books, her favorite classes, her favorite of every random object that I could come up with.

Then I asked her what her favorite gemstone was.

"Topaz." She spat out. I was about to move on to my next question- her favorite flower. Then she blushed.

"Bella?" I asked. She looked away from me.

"Bella, you're blushing."

Her face got redder, but she didn't answer my unasked question.

"Bella, what are you not telling me? What's so special about topaz?" I tried to dazzle her, but she refused to look at me. She learned quickly. But I knew that I wasn't about to give up.

"Tell me." She sighed, as if she had given up a game of tug-o-war that she knew she could win.

"It's the color of your eyes today." Was that why she was reluctant to tell me? My memory flashed to the moment where I snapped at her- I had made her cry. Did she fear telling me how she felt about me? My un-beating heart expanded in that moment. She was thinking about my eyes. What did that mean? I quickly scanned the minds of some girls watching us speak.

_He is so gorgeous-_

_Wonder what they're talking about?_

_I wish he looked at me like that!_

Apparently, I had dazzled every girl within the vicinity except Bella.

And Rosalie.

_You stupid jackass! If she's thinking about your eyes while-_

No, I did not truly care for what Rosalie thought about Bella's gemstone preference. I continued to scan droning, mundane mind after droning, mundane mind, ignoring Alice's requests to be allowed to speak to Bella.

_Why does he want her? There's nothing special about her-_

I shuddered slightly as I pulled away from Jessica Stanley's venomous thoughts. For all the time she spent analyzing my relationship with Bella when I wanted her to mentally shut up, she provided me nothing but useless fluff when it came to me needing her girlish ideas. Then again, Bella did not think like normal girls.

"I suppose if you asked me in two weeks I'd say onyx." Onyx. Onyx and topaz. Had I had such an impact on her life? Was I so important that she thought of my eyes when I was not with her? The very same way I thought of hers?

"What kind of flowers do you prefer?" She sighed in relief.

Biology. I continued with my interrogations up until the point when the door opened and the TV was rolled in. I knew we'd have to watch the movie again. In truth, I feared the electricity that seemed to flow between Bella and myself when the lights were off and I knew it would be coming again. Carefully, I moved my chair away from hers, hoping she would not notice the distance I put between our bodies as the lights were turned off.

It didn't help.

The aura flowed between us, just as before, and although I knew no one could see us here in the darkness, I knew that touching Bella would be dangerous. I could not allow myself to slip. About halfway through the hour I glanced sideways at her. She had leaned forward and crossed her arms on the desk, her chin sitting peacefully there as her eyes, glazed over with obvious boredom, stared blankly at the television that was sending flickers of light across her face. She sighed when the lights were turned on and the movie turned off.

Could it be, that she felt it, too? The very sickest part of me hoped she did, although there was never a spoken word between us concerning the matter, and so I could never truly be sure. I cursed the silence of her mind now more than ever.

I stood up silently. I waited for her silently. We walked outside to her gym class silently. And again, I felt overcome by the need to touch her. It was irrational- there should be no need. But there was.

It was far worse than wanting to touch her face- which I did, as wordlessly as the day before. I wanted her in so many ways, and they were all wrong. I wanted to drink her blood- first and foremost, the demon inside of me raged. Always, the fire inside my throat burned, nearly as strong as the fires that created me. Second, I wanted her as a friend, a mortal creature with whom I could communicate about my vampire existence. She would never understand, of course, but that would not stop me from pursuing her. And Alice would not be denied what was apparently her impending, irrevocable friendship.

But there was another way.

I had not had a pulse in nearly a century. I had not felt a warm touch, loved another human woman since my mother's death. Mine followed shortly thereafter. I had no love in my short, bittersweet human life. I had wanted to join the war. I had wanted to escape my mundane life and go off to some great battle I knew nothing of in a country I had never been to. Never had I felt such an unusual attraction to a girl. I wanted to touch her. I wanted to pull her into my arms and kiss her for all eternity. And I wanted her to want me in return.

Did it make me a monster? I had no soul. We were practically two different species. Was there any hope, any at all that she would possibly find herself attracted to me, as a woman is to a man? Was there more behind my ability to dazzle her than the connection prey has towards its inevitably hypnotizing predator?

All of these things filled my mind as I walked away to Spanish.

_Whoa. What happened to you?_ Emmett's concern was apparent before I was even in my seat.

"Nothing," I hissed, quickly and quietly enough that only my brother's vampire ears would even know that something was wrong.

_What did she do to you?_

I ignored him.

_I've never seen you like this. I swear if you still had a pulse you'd be red, kid._

What did it mean? Was there something I hadn't picked up on?

_I was right._

"What?"

_You do want to touch her._

The class began then, and so I tried to actually pay attention in class- something I hadn't done since I was a mortal. And not soon enough, I was out in the open, walking towards the gym building to speak with Bella, thinking furiously about music in order to avoid Emmett's cognitive taunts. I met up with her outside the building and we walked to my car. I managed to open the door for her, and soon we were speeding away towards Charlie's house. I continued my interrogations, asking safer questions- I inquired endlessly about her home in Phoenix.

I was intrigued by the way she used her hand to describe the bowl-shape of the land, the way the beauty that hid there was in the way the sun filled the valley like liquid gold, how the sunrise in the clouds turned the sky a beautiful mix of sherbert colors, and how the lack of green added to the splendor. It sounded beautiful in its own right. I demanded to know about her house in Phoenix, and she talked even more. I clung desperately to every word, eager to know more about her. We talked until the sun set, Bella explaining things in detail as I fired off question after question.

"Are you finished?"

"Not even close- but your father will be home soon." What would Charlie think of Bella dating a vampire? I almost laughed at the thought. I was bulletproof.

"Charlie!" Bella sighed. It sounded as if she wanted to stay with me. I did not want to allow my hopes to rise, but they did of their own accord.

"How late is it?"

"It's twilight," I replied quietly. I glanced to the horizon at the place where the sun should be setting - if it wasn't covered by a blanket of clouds, that is. It was such an unusual time of day- not really day, but not really night, either. The sun was gone, and so my kind was free to roam. But the light was not completely gone - it was not truly night. We did not need to be trapped in eternal midnight. During twilight, we could truly be ourselves… I turned back to Bella. Wanted her to know, to have this little piece of what I was.

"It's the safest time of day for us." I wanted her to know about me, I wanted her to know everything that I could be and not be afraid. I expected her to be, of course. But I didn't want it.

"The easiest time. But also the saddest in a way… the end of another day, the return of the night. Darkness is so predictable, don't you think?"

Darkness. It was all I had known since nineteen eighteen. I had known an eternal expanse of darkness, intermittent stars dotting the sky with their twinkling, minuscule lights. And suddenly, I found Bella. I felt as if I had found the sun, as if I could step into the slight without any form of fear, without any risk of exposure.

"I like the night. Without the dark, we'd never see the stars."

I frowned.

"Not that you see them here much."

"Charlie will be here in a few minutes. So, unless you want to tell him you'll be with me Saturday…" I hoped she would. Just as a precaution. I wanted to tell her what Alice had seen, to show her that I was ultimately more dangerous to her than she ever could have imagined.

"Thanks, but no thanks." Silly, ignorant girl. "So is it my turn then?"

"Certainly not!" I gasped, pretending to be indignant. "I told you I wasn't done, didn't I?"

"What more is there?" She seemed bewildered. Had my questioning bothered her?

"You'll find out tomorrow." I moved to open her door. As my face moved into closer proximity to hers, her pulse began to hammer. Perhaps I did have the same effect on Bella as I did on the other girls. True, she was an anomaly, but that didn't mean it was completely hopeless. My hand was on the door handle when I heard them and froze.

"Not good." Very, very bad. I could feel my jaw clench together as their thoughts came into focus.

"What is it?"

"Another complication." Billy Black and his son, Jacob, were around the corner in their truck. I flung the door open for Bella, suddenly anxious to be far away from her. What would the old timer think if he saw me this close to her? I recoiled. I shouldn't be this close. I was breaking so many rules.

Their headlights appeared from around the corner and the Blacks' car pulled into a spot on the side of the street, facing us.

"Charlie's around the corner." She immediately removed herself from my Volvo. I was aware of her looking at me, but I was more focused on Billy's thoughts. I focused on the treaty, wondering if it were possible for anything to be done if we broke it.

When we broke it.

I pulled away quickly, unable to handle the mental screams Billy Black was unknowingly sending me.


	2. Chapter 12: Balancing

**A/N: This chapter is dedicated to Nessy, Kat, Erin, Mandy, and Sam for all kicking ass and kissing mine. Way to inflate me ego, guys. I would also like to thank WinndSinger, Eeyorebcb, A is for Angel, and MilesToGoBeforeISleep for reviewing (and having some badass pen names.)**

**In fair warning: nine and a half pages on Microsoft Works Word Processor, plus two straight days of writing. Suddenly, I realize why it takes Stephenie twice as long to write from Edward's POV.**

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**Balancing**

I returned to Bella's house that night after Charlie had fallen asleep. Billy's thoughts still raced around _my_ mind, but I wasn't about to let that stop me from seeing what was on Bella's. I waited for her to wake again. I wanted to speak with her, but more importantly I wanted to see if she remembered anything about what she had said in her sleep the night before.

"Edward." She mumbled. She usually did at some point during the night, but tonight was different for some reason. I sat in the corner, waiting for her to reveal more.

"It's dark…" Of course it was, it was the middle of the night. I worried, then. She did not yet know that I spent my nights watching her sleep. Did she know I was here with her?

"Stupid movie." An epiphany suddenly struck me. She must have been dreaming about the movie in biology- the room was so dark that I was sure she wouldn't be able to see anything but the movie screen.

"Electricity. Weird." My senses perked up. Was she referring to-?

"Can't touch him…bad idea…" I held my breath, waiting for her mumbling to reveal what I thought it was about to.

"So close… resist… tempting…Edward…" I moved towards her bed. What was she possibly thinking? Her silence drove me insane.

"Kiss me." I froze, completely solid. For all intents and purposes, I was a statue. My heart did not beat, although I felt as if I could fly. I wanted to run, to feel the wind blowing in my face, to feel the world speed by me in a rush of green. But where would I go? I would only leave to find myself wishing I was right back here with Bella.

I left before she woke. The sun was rising over the morning sky, turning everything an unusual shade of gray. I ran home, breezing through the door as Alice came rushing out to greet me.

_Soon_. I paused, shooting her an inquisitive stare.

_I'll get to talk to Bella_. I shook my head.

"It's not safe for her to be near all of us-"

"Yet."

"Yet?" She grinned, showing me her latest vision. I was standing in the living room next to my piano with the rest of my family in a semi-circle formation. Standing at my side, her hand linked with mine, was Bella.

"When?"

_This weekend_. Her grin was ecstatic as she skipped back inside before me. I changed my clothes and went back out to my Volvo, but I still couldn't avoid Rosalie's criticism as she slid into her BMW and revved up the ignition.

_We have to be more careful than any of our kind_, she mentally hissed at me. _You know what they'd do to us if they found out! Why do you want us killed so badly?_

"You know what, Rosalie?" Although both our car doors were closed, I knew she could hear me as she pulled out into the driveway. I followed after her, smiling lightly.

_What?_

"I think you're just jealous." It was barely more than a whisper, but it was just enough for her to hear. I was saved by significant retaliation, however, by Alice's appearance with Emmett and Jasper close behind. The piled into the back of her car and she sped off toward the school. I, however, made my way to Bella's home.

I pulled around the corner just as Charlie left, and I was sitting in the driveway before she even opened the door. She was in the car before I had time to think of my first question for the day, so instead I settled for a simpler one- one I was quite sure I already knew the answer to.

"How did you sleep?" I listened to her heart hammer as I grinned at her.

"Fine. How was your night?" _Wonderful. I listened to you mumble in your sleep about wanting to kiss me._

"Pleasant." It wasn't a lie.

"Can I ask what you did?"

"No." I grinned. There was so much I still wanted to know. "Today is still _mine_."

Our ride to school and most of our morning was spent with me interrogating Bella about her life in Phoenix- not so much the what's and where's as the who's. Bella turned a particularly intoxicating shade of red when I inquired about previous boyfriends, which was odd- considering the fact that I'd taken the utmost care do word my questions in very non-embarrassing fashions. She, however, denied ever having dated before me.

"So you never met anyone you wanted?"

"Not in Phoenix." Not in Phoenix. I was sad then, furious. And I was also elated. How is it that a perfectly beautiful human girl could live in a place as crowded as Phoenix and find no one, and then move to a small town like Forks and find some… thing? I corrected myself. I could feel my face tense as I considered it. I made a conscious effort to relax.

"I should have let you drive yourself today." I waited patiently for her to finish chewing her bagel before she answered.

"Why?"

"I'm leaving with Alice after lunch."

"Oh." She blinked once, the line appearing in her forehead as it always did when she was worried. "That's okay, it's not that far of a walk."

"I'm not going to make you walk." How could she think such a silly thing? Knowing her luck, a meteor would fall out of the sky and hit her in the head. "We'll go get your truck and leave it here for you."

"I don't have my key with me," she confessed as she sighed. Apparently she hadn't noticed that I had been inside her house multiple times. "I really don't mind walking." Could she possibly think that a locked door would stop me? As decrepit as it was, her truck could probably take out a tree trunk or another car if she ran into another spell of bad luck. I shook my head, exasperated.

"Your truck will be here, and the key will be in the ignition- unless you're afraid someone might steal it." I laughed- even if someone would _want_ to, there was no mistaking the engine's roar. She pursed her lips as she acquiesced.

"All right." There was something in her voice that said she didn't believe I knew how to find her key. Instantaneously, Alice was seeing something- after what appeared to be an hour of searching, we would find the key in a pocket of Bella's jeans in the laundry room. Her precognitive abilities would save us from having to search.

_Let me get it, please_.

"Of course," I said so quickly that Bella did not catch it. I smirked.

"So where are you going?" Although she tried to remain casual, I could hear the curiosity in her voice- much as it was constantly in mine.

"Hunting. If I'm going to be alone with you tomorrow, I'm going to take whatever precautions I can." _So I don't slip up an accidentally kill you_, I added in my head_._

"You can always cancel, you know." I tried to dazzle her, to convince her not to come- but she looked away from my eyes.

"No." Her voice was barely more than a whisper as she looked back up to look me in the eyes. "I can't." Can't. Not won't.

_Aw, she loves you, too_. Alice was probably grinning, but I wasn't focused on her face. _We'll have to leave, soon_.

"Perhaps you're right." I was answering both Bella's spoken statement and Alice's unspoken one. Perhaps she was right. Perhaps they _both_ were. If Bella loved me, if she really cared for me the way I cared for her… then she would want to be with me. She would be unable to resist. I felt the oddest sensations running through my empty veins. I wanted it to be true.

"What time will I see you tomorrow?" Her lovely voice was shaded with melancholy. She really didn't want to be too far away from me.

"That depends… it's a Saturday, don't you want to sleep in?" Her resounding "no" was uttered almost before I finished speaking. I tried not to smile. She did want to be with me.

"The same time as usual, then. Will Charlie be there?" I wished he would be, so she would have a reason to tell him she would be with me. I needed the incentive to bring her back.

"No, he's fishing tomorrow." Was she actually beaming?

"And if you don't come home, what will he think?" I had seen enough of Alice's vision to know that she honestly thought I might not bring Bella home the next day. I barely thought I could do it, myself. I was a menace; I was a hazard to myself and to others. Especially others. Especially her.

"I have no idea. He knows I've been meaning to do the laundry. Maybe he'll think I fell in the washer."

Her perfect scowl must have been a reflection of my own. And yet I knew that if it weren't perfectly plausible that this lovely young woman sitting before me could actually injure herself doing laundry, I might have laughed.

"What are you hunting tonight?"

"Whatever we find in the park. We aren't going that far."

"Why are you going with Alice?" The question caught me off guard.

"Alice is the most… supportive." _Understatement of the century_. Although Esme and Carlisle were just happy to see me happy, and Emmett was more or less indifferent, Rosalie and Jasper were just as homicidal since they'd realized Bella knew.

"They don't like me." _Only two of them_. But how accurate she was, how she saw everything- I could not believe I ever accused her of being obtuse. She missed nothing.

_She thinks I don't like her?!_ I found Alice's sudden mental screams oddly amusing, comforting in their familiarity.

"That's not it." I put on my best poker face. "They don't understand why I can't leave you alone." Actually, Emmett could- he had smelled bloodlust before. He had killed his victim instantaneously.

"Neither do I, for that matter." What a beautiful, strange creature she was to me in that moment. She was obtuse, but not where it benefited her. I rolled my eyes in an attempt to humanize myself.

"I told you- you don't see yourself clearly at all. You're not like anyone I've ever known." I could hear everyone else's thoughts. "You fascinate me."

She glared at me, but I smiled in return.

"Having the advantages I do," I said as I casually tapped at my head, "I have a better than average grasp of human nature. People are predictable. But you… you never do what I expect. You always take me by surprise."

But oh, how I wanted her in that moment. I wanted to lay with her in eternal night and demand to know every insignificant detail of her life. I wanted to know who she was, who she had been, who she wanted to be. I wanted to question her endlessly of trivial things, I wanted to know every trite detail of her existence. And I wanted to do it alone. I wanted to have some sort of claim on her, to make her mine before another came and snatched her away.

I felt like Alice for a moment. I saw everything- a future with her. I saw rings and gowns and all manners of celebration. I saw myself with her in a hundred years, I saw myself kissing her…

_You are getting way out of hand_, Jasper thought at me. _Calm down, or I'll unleash Alice on you_. As if on cue, Bella's attention turned back towards my siblings.

"That part is easy enough to explain." There was something similar to embarrassment on her face, but I couldn't see it clearly while her eyes were focused on my family.

"But there's more… and it's not so easy to put into words-"

_You incompetent, arrogant, narcissistic jackass! You're willing to take away everything we've worked so hard to build so that this stupid mortal girl can come along and fu-_

All of this flashed through her mind as she turned and glared at Bella. I also heard what she didn't want me to- the string of profanities occupying her mind now were a failing attempt to cover up her true chagrin- I admired Bella when I didn't want her.

"_Your green eyes look better gold_," I hissed at her. She heard me, turning back to Emmett with fury in her face. My suspicions were confirmed when Bella turned back to me. Fear and shock and confusion covered every precious cell of her face.

"I'm sorry about that. She's just worried.. You see… it's dangerous for more than just me if, after spending so much time with you so publicly…" I looked away from her, unable to complete my thoughts. I couldn't tell her of Alice's vision, of her snow white skin, of her eyes either crimson or dead...

"If?"

"If this ends… badly." Surely, she had seen enough of the tales to come to her own conclusions about what could happen. I felt my head fall into my hands. I was damning her, even as I sat here. I was cursing her, taking away her life, and her soul. I heard her shift, as if she were reaching out for me, but I did not feel her touch. She must have been frightened by me. How many times would I go over this in my head? True, I was selfish, but some part of Bella wanted to be with me, too, for whatever reason.

"And you have to leave now?" Her voice sounded sad.

"Yes." I looked up at her, and the sadness in her latest inquiry was all over her face. "It's probably for the best. We still have fifteen minutes of that wretched movie left to endure in biology- I don't think I could take any more." I also knew I couldn't take any more of the insatiable urge to touch her.

I also knew I couldn't take any more of Alice's hyperactivity. She was so determined to speak with Bella that she actually ran across the room to be at my side almost immediately, making Bella startled. She hadn't even bothered to check and see if she would be noticed.

"Alice."

"Edward." _I get to talk to Bel-la now,_ she smirked her thoughts at me in a sing-song voice. Even in verbal silence, her joy was astounding. I could hear Emmett chuckle- obviously he and Jazz were in on the excitement. Rosalie sulked, just as I knew she would.

Predictable.

"Alice, Bella- Bella, Alice." One more link to the chain fell into place. The more time she spent with me, the more time she spent with us- the more she became attached to our fate, to my fate- and I feared for her soul as much as I wanted it to be mine.

"Hello Bella. It's nice to finally meet you." _So how soon can we go shopping together? She needs a wardrobe makeover. What about bringing her to the house? I think I can get Jazz to help me talk Emmett into taking _her_ out for a few hours. Or we could just tie her up and leave her in the basement. As long as we leave her a mirror she'll be okay. Just kidding, we'll make her be nice. Come on, Esme's gong to love Bella, don't you just know it already?_

I glowered at her.

"Hi, Alice." If Bella was going to be best friends with Alice, she needed to stop being shy around my perky sister.

"Are you ready?"

"Nearly. I'll meet you at the car." Alice walked away.

_She's going to love me, too._

"So should I say 'have fun', or is that the wrong sentiment?"

"No, 'have fun' works as well as anything." I smiled at her, and her pulse quickened. I was better at dazzling than I thought.

"Have fun, then."

"I'll try. And you try to be safe, please."

"Safe in Forks- what a challenge." She was the only person in the entire town who managed to capture the long-dead heart of a vampire- and his family… most of them, anyway.

"For you it is a challenge." I felt my jaw tighten. "Promise."

"I promise to try to be safe. I'll do the laundry tonight- that ought to be fraught with peril."

"Don't fall in."

"I'll do my best." We both stood up. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"It seems like a long time to you, doesn't it?" She nodded, the sadness seeping into her face once again.

"I'll be there in the morning." I reached out to touch her face again, wanting so much more but knowing that I was entirely unable to have it. Then I turned away from her, walking out to the car where Alice was waiting for me.

_You know this is a pivotal moment, right?_ She pulled out of the parking space, speeding off down the road towards Charlie's house.

"Yes, I know."

_If she likes me, then there's no stopping my vision._

"I think it's slightly more important to know how she feels about me."

"Bah." I chuckled.

"You know what I mean, though," Alice said. "Tomorrow is important. I'm getting two very distinct futures, and one very fuzzy one-?"

"I suppose your two distinct futures involve Bella with white skin and red eyes?"

"Or a dead Bella, Edward. I swear to God almighty above, if you kill her tomorrow-"

"Alice. What's the worst he could do?"

Silence.

_It's such a moot point, Edward. You know she'd give up her soul for you if she knew it was what you thought it would cost._

Although we continued the argument until we got to Charlie's house- a whole two hundred seconds later, thanks to Alice's driving abilities- it was half-hearted.

"Stay." She ran out of the car and into the house through the upstairs window. She was sitting in the truck turning the ignition less than ten seconds later.

"See you at home!" she called.

Suddenly she stopped, seeing that I was about to call out for her to. I dove into my bag and pulled out a sheet of paper and a pen and scribbled across the paper. I handed it to her.

"Just leave it on her seat, so she can see it."

Alice stared at what I had written and rolled her eyes.

"I'll see you at home."

_Hypochondriac_.

* * *

I knocked on the door out of habit. Carlisle would know I was coming. But I still knocked, and he still thought at me.

_Come in._

He was reading some sort of medical journal- cancer treatment was his latest fascination. Apparently some local scientists had discovered a new chemotherapy drug that was ultimately more effective than the current ones being used.

"We sure have come a long way," he sighed as he put his journal down.

"Back in my day, Influenza killed people." I had been around just long enough to joke about it- but only with Carlisle. "Of course, being a blood thirsty monster with the need to feed on humans has yet to be cured." He looked up.

_Is this about the girl, then?_ I nodded.

_What's on your mind, Edward?_ But how to explain…?

I wasn't sure what I wanted to know. It was why I came to Carlisle in the first place. My adoptive father was all I had left as far as paternal figures went.

"I'm… not sure."

"I have the utmost faith in you, my son."

"It's not about that. I'm pretty sure I can control my thirst."

_Then what?_

"There are other… hungers. Things I can't explain. Unfamiliar feelings…"

_Oh…_

"Oh?"

_Lust._

"Oh…" I read his thoughts as he pondered.

_That's definitely a complication, Edward_.

"I know. Obviously I couldn't… even if… down the road… even if she did want me… I couldn't. It would be too dangerous, to lose control around her."

_I don't think she would mind having red eyes._

"No."

_Relax, Edward. It was only a suggestion._

"I don't want to damn her the way I was damned."

_I am truly sorry you feel that way_.

"I love you. You're my father, and I'm glad you did what you did, and I'm glad I have this family. But I will _not_ risk her soul."

"Regardless of whether or not you are willing to change her, Edward, these are very strong feelings that you are now to contend with."

"I know."

"Physical love is not the same as emotional love. It is intense. You have to be very careful."

I nodded.

"And, if all else fails…" he smirked. _Just imagine what Alice would do to you if you accidentally hurt the Swan girl_.

I grinned in spite of myself.

"Wouldn't want that hellion on my tail."

"Speaking of Alice-?"

"She is currently retuning Bella's truck to it's designated parking space on school campus, and she will be returning shortly so that we may hunt before tomorrow."

"Ah. Is there anything else you wanted to discuss?"

"I don't think so."

_Use your judgment, my son. You have a pure heart. No bad will come of tomorrow_. I bowed my head before leaving his office.

"Thank you."

* * *

She practically yanked the door off the hinges in her attempt to make it outside to greet me. She sighed, then. It was a most bizarre reaction- as if she had been holding her breath, waiting for me to return. I looked over her quickly to make sure she had not, in fact, fallen into the washing machine. And then I had to laugh.

"Good morning."

"What's wrong?" She glanced down at her outfit, as if she feared I would find it unflattering on her.

"We match." I pointed out as I laughed again. This time, Bella joined me. We walked out to the truck and she immediately moved to the driver's side.

"We made a deal," she gloated. She unlocked the door and I got in.

"Where to?"

"Put your seat belt on- I'm nervous already." She complied, glaring at me with her tiger-kitten fury. I watched her rive as I gave her directions. My Volvo could easily have gone twice as fast as her Chevy.

"Were you planning to make it out of Forks before nightfall?"

"This truck is old enough to be your car's grandfather," She pointed out. I couldn't help but think that _I_ was old enough to be _hers_.

"Have some respect."

I stopped by cynicism, instead giving her directions to where we were going.

"And what's there, at the pavement's end?"

"A trail."

"We're hiking?" She asked incredulously.

"Is that a problem?" I thought it might be.

"Nope." Always defiant.

"Don't worry, it's only five miles or so, and we're in no hurry." Her heart picked up its pace I waited for her to explain to me that hiking would kill her somehow- as if I would allow it to happen- but she remained quiet. Too quiet.

"What are you thinking?"

"Just wondering where we're going."

"It's a place I like to go when the weather is nice. She looked out the window and I followed suit. The clouds were thinning. Alice was right. There would be sun today.

"Charlie said it would be warm today."

"And did you tell Charlie what you were up to?"

"Nope."

"But Jessica thinks we're going to Seattle together?" If anyone could be trusted to blab to everyone about my Seattle-date with Bella, it would be her.

"No, I told her you cancelled on me- which is true."

"No one knows you're here with me?"

"That depends... I assume you told Alice?"

"That's very helpful, Bella." She didn't answer.

"Are you so depressed by Forks that it's made you suicidal?"

"You said it might cause trouble for you… us being together publicly." I was in awe. She was putting herself in so much danger because she thought that _she_ had to protect _me_.

"So you're worried about the trouble it might cause _me_- if _you_ don't come _home_?" Incredibly, she nodded, fixing her eyes on the road in front of us.

"I swear to God, Bella, if I don't end up killing you today you'll be the death of me," I muttered. I don't think she heard me. Or at any rate, I spoke too quickly for her to understand. We made it to the end of the pavement in silence, getting out of the car and removing our sweaters. I left mine in the car- it was more for decoration anyway.

"This way," I beckoned. I glanced over my shoulder, still annoyed but glad to finally be with her, alone. Where I could be myself.

"The trail?" Ah. There was the panic I had hoped for.

"I said there was a trail at the end of the road, not that we were taking it."

"No trail?" Did I imagine the desperation in her voice? I turned around to face her.

"I won't let you get lost."

Her gasp was stifled- barely. There was a look that overcame her face, her entire body- her whole posture shifted. She was upset. What had I done?

I knew what I had done. I was a vampire. Perhaps she was seeing me for the first time- truly realizing what I was. I braced myself for the screaming. After a few seconds of silence, I spoke, cautiously.

"Do you want to go home?"

"No." It was a resolute sounds, but one that contradicted her mannerisms. She walked forward until she was beside me, still unable to hide the torture in her eyes. What was she thinking?

"What's wrong?"

"I'm not a good hiker," she said. "You'll have to be very patient."

"I can be patient- if I make a great effort." I smiled at her, hoping to dazzle her into some form of calm. She tried to return it, but failed.

"I promise I'll take you home."

"If you want me to hack five miles through the jungle before sundown, you'd better lead the way." There was an acid in her voice that I found unfamiliar. Was she mad at me? What was she thinking? I walked away into the forest, glad that she at least followed me without complaining.

We hiked in what was more or less silence, but when there was a significant road block, I helped Bella overcome it. Once or twice I had to actually touch her, but there was something in the way her fragile human heart pounded upon contact with my icy skin that made me wonder- did she mind it? Sporadically I would ask her something I hadn't gotten to, but not much conversation was made. It took us a few hours to make it, but in what seemed like no time at all to me we were making our way towards the meadow.

"Are we there yet?" She teased, drawing from many contemporary human comedies.

"Nearly." I smiled at her change in tone. "Do you see the brightness up ahead?"

"Um…" She looked, the little "v" shaped lines appearing in her brow as she worried. "Should I?" I smirked in spite of myself.

"Maybe it's a bit soon for _your_ eyes."

"Time to visit the optometrist." Her voice was soft enough hat I was not sure whether she had intended for me to hear or not. Suddenly, a few yards later, her pace picked up. I allowed her to take the lead- surely she must have seen it. The light filtered down green and gold from the canopy above us.

She stepped out past the ferns and into the light, taking a few steps into the meadow. It was a beautiful place, one of awe and splendor. It was my home away from home, my place to be when I wanted to be alone. And now it was hers, as well. She looked around in amazement at the beauty of it. And it was quite the lovely place to be- for a mortal. But for a vampire like me, a sunny day in this particular place could prove devastating.

She turned back to smile at me, only to realize I wasn't there with her. She began to panic until she spotted me, hiding in the shadows. A look of understanding crossed her face- she must have remembered why we were here. To see me in the sunlight. She smiled at me, a look of encouragement crossing her face. She stepped back towards me once, in order to hold her hand out for me. She wanted me beside her. I put up one of my own hands in warning. She stopped.

This moment was pivotal. Once I crossed the shadows into the light, she would see me for what I really was. There would be no masquerade, no façade. She would see the real me. And she would decide, once more, for real, if it didn't actually matter that I wasn't human. So far she had succeeded in reacting unnaturally- she did not cringe from me, she did not start at my lightning fast moves. She did not do what I wanted her to do. But today, she might. And there was another issue.

What would I do?

Even if Bella decided today that she wanted to be with me, would I be able to go through with this without killing her? Could I? It was the moment of truth. There was only one way to find out- what she wanted, what I was capable of, and our entire future together hung precariously in the air. It would all be decided in this moment.

I took a deep breath and stepped forward out of the shadows.

**A/N: No matter how hard I try, I invariably miss a grammatical or spelling error. Should you happen upon any while reading, PLEASE point them out to me so that I may fix them A.S.A.P.**

**Up next: Chapter 13- "Confessions". My personal favorite out of the entire series :D  
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	3. Chapter 13: Confessions

**A/N: Wow. I checked my e-mail and had three pages worth of story alerts, story favorites, author favorites, etc. Thank you all so much. Even though most of you who are reading aren't reviewing, I am eternally grateful for your support. And now, I present to you, my favorite chapter of the entire Twilight saga, from Edward Cullen's perspective: Confessions.**

**In fair warning, it's twice as long as 'Balancing'.  
**

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* * *

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**Confessions**

I didn't even bother to move. I didn't want to hide from Bella. It was high time she realized what I was. I didn't want to be a danger, of course, but it was too late for me to choose what I was. Would she ever realize what I was? Could the danger suddenly hit her, cause her to turn and run away from me screaming? After a few moments of immovable silence, I began to sing to myself. It was quiet enough that Bella could not hear me, but she must have seen my lips moving, for she asked what I was doing.

"I'm singing to myself."

"Oh."

"It's too quiet for you to hear."

My eyes remained closed, but I felt in no way impaired. This was my meadow, I came here often when wanted to find peace in solitude. It felt absolutely wonderful, to be able to share myself with her completely without the fear of having to hide. She knew I was a vampire. And she was still there with me.

I heard her breathing slow as her heart sped up, and I wondered what was going through her mind, as always. I heard her weight shift, and she leaned forward just barely, closer to me. I felt her touch me then, one single finger on the back of my hand. I opened my eyes to see what she was doing, but hers remained glued to my hand. When she did look up, her eyes were unfathomable.

"I don't scare you?" I asked playfully. I knew I should. She was sitting alone in a meadow out in the middle of nowhere with a vampire. She should have been terrified. But she wasn't. Although I fought to keep my voice casual, the curiosity burned like a shadow of my thirst that burned in the back of my throat.

"No more than usual." I grinned. Perhaps a decent view of my venomous teeth would cause her to see rationally.

But no. Instead she reached out with trembling fingers to touch my forearms with her entire hand. There was a strange warmth that flooded through me, starting at the spot on my arm where her skin touched mine and flowing casually outward. I closed my eyes, savoring the moment, the sensation. It was new to me, which surprised me- I had lived longer than most humans. I had seen what they could do to one another, I could hear their thoughts. I knew human nature better than most. But for some reason, this entire experience was one I was experiencing for myself for the very first time.

"Do you mind?"

"No." _Yes, I mind. I don't want you to ever have to stop_. "You can't imagine how that feels." Or could she? I wondered if she felt the sensations I did when I reached out to touch her face after enduring an hour of biology in the complete darkness- for her, anyway. I had no problem seeing with minimal light. But no. it couldn't be. I was getting my hopes up. I sighed in frustration. When her other hand reached for mine, I flipped my hand over. She froze.

Oops.

I opened my eyes to gauge her reaction as I realized that I had made a mistake, and yet it didn't bother me. She already knew how impossibly fast I was- I had sped across a parking lot. She already knew how impossibly strong I was- I stopped a van from crushing her. And now she knew how I sparkled in the sunlight.

Oh well.

"Sorry." I closed my eyes again. "It's too easy to be myself with you." She replied by leaning in toward my hand, staring at it as she turned it this way and that. She stared hard at my skin, as if she were searching for something there.

It drove me mad. She was positively the single most bizarre girl I had ever met. And I had met a lot of girls. She wasn't terrified. She was… curious?

"Tell me what you're thinking?" As always, the curiosity burned. "It's still so strange for me, not knowing."

"You know," she started, smirking, "The rest of us feel that way all the time."

"It's a hard life." Ah, life. Such a wonderful precious thing- something I may have been about to steal from her within the next few minutes. I had been around her enough this morning to be more or less sure that the pull of her blood would not affect me. But one could never know. My nature was unpredictable. If I decided I wanted her in the worst way, nothing she could say or do would be able to stop me.

It was a very hard life, indeed.

"But you didn't tell me."

"I was wishing I could know what you were thinking…" I did not miss the infliction on her voice as her sentence trailed off.

"And?"

"I was wishing that I could believe you were real." A natural reaction, of course.

"And I was wishing that I wasn't afraid." Afraid? Had I frightened her? I hushed the pessimistic half of me that hissed it was for her own good.

"I don't want you to be afraid." It was true. And it was all I could say. It would be to taste a lie, to say that she needn't be afraid. She did need fear. Fear would keep her alive someday. And she had to fear me. I didn't know if I would kill her today or not.

"Well that's not exactly the fear I meant, though that's certainly something to think about." She wasn't afraid of me being a vampire? I sat up, leaning in towards her. She didn't even flinch from my lightning-fast movement. If she didn't fear the fact that I could kill her at any moment, then what, _what_ was she afraid of?

"What are you afraid of, then?" I had to know. I _had_ to. But her eyes glazed over as my breath blew a few strands of hair from her face. Her heart began to hammer and she leaned in closer to me, closing the gap between our faces. She inhaled slightly.

The monster inside of me reared, overjoyed at his sudden victory. She was here, she was willing, her blood pounded furiously in her veins and it smelled like addiction. The fire roared, raging down my entire body. I wanted to grip her fragile human body, I wanted to put my mouth to her neck, I wanted to feel her skin tear as I bit into it, to feel the blood gushing like a fire hydrant, hot and wet into my open mouth-

I ran.

I was at the edge of the forest within a second. Once I was a safe distance from Bella- Ha! As if any distance would destroy the memory of her blood calling out to me- I began to collect myself. I could feel my face compose itself, hardening into the perfect marble mask I used at school. Before Bella, anyway. I glanced back at her face. It was surprised. It was shocked.

It was hurt.

I had hurt her feelings again. I kicked myself mentally for not having enough control. Carlisle's record was spotless. Was I so doomed to have to kill people against my will?

"I'm…sorry…Edward." I was the one who should be sorry.

"Give me a moment." I called loud enough for her to hear. I knew I had killed before, of course, but those were vengeance murders. Whether they counted against me or not… they were mine. I did them of my own free will. Carlisle never lost control. I thought of my father, letting his face fill my head. I could almost hear his voice-

_"Edward! No!"_

The voice I _did_ hear was not the one I expected to hear. She was screaming at me, probably still at the house. She wouldn't have been able to see me, until Bella had leaned forward, which she didn't do until I sat up. So yes. She was screaming all the way from the house.

"_I told you to be careful! She's coming home to meet us today and I want her in one piece, Edward! Do you understand me?_" Alice's mental shouts were not the kind Bella or any other human could hear, obviously. But I could.

I walked back toward Bella, calm, controlled, collected. I willed Alice to see me sitting down calmly with her. There would be no sign of homicide from now on. I knew I had to desensitize myself to her blood. I stopped a few feet away from her and sat on the ground with my legs crossed. I looked into her eyes, but they seemed calmer now, and yet still full of unwarranted apology. For my inexcusable behavior. I had to control myself. For her sake.

"_Thank you_."

I smiled.

"I am so very sorry." What else could I say? It was in my nature to react that way. I hesitated, knowing my next question would not be entirely accurate.

"Would you understand what I meant if I said I was only human?"

She nodded without smiling. Her pulse still hammered, adrenaline leaking into her bloodstream. I could smell it, the sweetness of it. It made her that much more intoxicating. How I was to control myself around her, I did not know.

"I'm the world's best predator, aren't I? Everything about me invites you in- my voice, my face, even my _smell_." In that area, perhaps, we were equally matched. However, it was apparent that my lure to her was as dangerous to her as her lure to me was. She possessed no threat to me whatsoever.

"As if I need any of that!" I ran away, lapping the meadow. My feet barely touched the ground. It was so suddenly freeing to be myself around her, not having to hide what I was. I didn't have to pretend to be anything, and yet I couldn't hear her thoughts. I had no omniscience, no special powers with her. I was completely, truly myself. It felt wonderful. I had lapped the entire meadow in less than a second.

"As if you could outrun me." I was surprised that the laugh emanating from my body was bitter. I had wanted to hurt her before, yes, but I was under control now. I wouldn't hunt her again. I wouldn't. I had to be able to control myself with her. I had to.

I loved her.

I reached up above my head to pull a branch from a tree. It was simple, as if I were pulling a strand of hair from a half-decomposed follicle. It snapped so easily, seemed so fragile. Very much the way her bones would snap if I lost control. I tossed the branch, putting momentum behind it to keep it from being visible to Bella. It sailed across the meadow, making her jump slightly as it slammed into another tree. As it sailed through the air I ran back to her, stopping just feet way from her, where I froze. I was a statue, immovable. She could not survive if I lost control.

"As if you could fight me off." I didn't want her to fight me off. I wanted her to welcome me with open arms. _Impossible_.

She didn't move. Her eyes, her beautiful brown eyes, remained open, staring at me in shock. I feared I had gone too far. It was plain to see I had frightened her. Her face was almost cyanotic, but not enough for me to worry- her heart still pounded out, tachycardic, until it eventually slowed to a normal rhythm. But her eyes remained glued onto me. She was scared.

And it was my fault.

"Don't be afraid." It was the last thing I wanted for her, now that I realized fear would still no drive her away from me. "I promise…" I paused. Could I promise this? Could I tell her that I loved her, and that I was never going to hurt her? Would it make me a liar?

"I _swear_ not to hurt you." I hoped I was right. "Don't be afraid." I moved forward, deliberately slow, until I was sitting across from her, our faces merely a foot apart.

"Please forgive me. I can control myself. You caught me off guard, but I'm on my best behavior now." And I was. She didn't move.

"I'm not thirsty today, honestly." I tried winking. Surely something so humanly normal must calm her down. Although she did laugh, it was wrong. She was breathless, and her voice shook. I worried that she would be going into shock. But no, if anything were about to happen to Bella today, Alice would be here almost instantaneously. She was almost as fast as I was.

I reached out, slowly again, as to not frighten her. I placed my hand gently back into hers.

"Are you alright?" She looked down at my hand, then back into my eyes. As if her mental silence were not maddening enough- now she chose to be verbally silent as well. Suddenly she went back to tracing the lines of my hand with her finger, as if I had not sped away from her with lightning speed to prove how dangerous I was. She looked up at me timidly and smiled. I grinned back, only to listen to her heart hammer again.

I must have dazzled her.

"So where were we, before I behaved so rudely?"

"I honestly can't remember." I had asked the question out of politeness. My memory was flawless.

"I think we were talking about why you were afraid, besides the obvious reason."

"Oh, right." No answer.

"Well?" I was impatient, as always. But rather than answering, she looked down to my hand where she was doodling designs into my flawless skin. Second after second after second passed in silence… I sighed.

"How easily frustrated I am." She looked up to me, some bit of recognition flashing across her eyes. What did she see in my face? Something she knew?

"I was afraid… because, well, for obvious reasons, I can't stay with you. And I'm afraid that I'd like to stay with you, much more than I should."

She looked down to our hands once again.

"Yes… That is something to be afraid of, indeed. Wanting to be with me. That's really not in your best interest."

_So, as long as I'm being… not smart, we'll try to be friends?  
_

_That sounds about right._

"I should have left long ago." I tried. I failed. "I should leave now. But I don't know if I can." Lies. I knew I couldn't. I was hopeless. One of

Alice's visions would be coming true…unless I could create option number three. But she was right. Me leaving was out of the question. I was being far too selfish for that.

"I don't want you to leave." I should have known she'd be glancing down once more.

"Which is exactly why I should. But don't worry. I'm essentially a selfish creature. I crave your company far too much to do what I should."

"I'm glad."

"Don't be!" I pulled my hand away from hers, suddenly terrified for her safety. She really was tempting fate. Perhaps her number was up from the day of her birth.

"It's not only your company I crave! Never forget that. Never forget I am more dangerous to you than I am to anyone else." But how to make her see? My thoughts were interrupted by more shouts. I stared into the forest, listening while Bella contemplated what I had said.

"_You're scaring her, Edward. Don't you dare even think about touching her_!"

"I don't think I understand exactly what you mean- by that last part anyway."

_Oh. She's going to like us_…I was so in tune with Alice's train of thought that I could still hear her thoughts from this distance. I smiled.

"How do I explain? And without frightening you again…Hmmmm." _Impossible_! my more pessimistic side hissed. I placed my hand back in hers, surprised by how quickly the heat from her body radiated into mine.

"That's amazingly pleasant, the warmth."

"You know how everyone enjoys different flavors?" I asked after a moment, apologizing for the crude nature of my comparison. "Some people love chocolate ice cream, others prefer strawberry? Sorry about the food analogy- I couldn't think of another way to explain." Fortunately for me, she smiled. Apparently I wasn't frightening her.

"You see, every person smells different, has a different essence. If you locked an alcoholic in a room full of stale beer, he'd gladly drink it. But he could resist, if he wished to, if he were a recovering alcoholic. Now let's say you placed in that room a glass of a hundred-year-old brandy, the rarest, finest cognac— and filled the room with its warm aroma— how do you think he would fare then?"

I stared into her eyes as I spoke, trying to unravel some remaining shred of fear within their brown depths. But there seemed to be none. She was curious, she wanted to know how my thirst worked. But she was not afraid. I had miscalculated her.

"Maybe that's not the right comparison. Maybe it would be too easy to turn down the brandy. Perhaps I should have made our alcoholic a heroin addict instead."

"So what you're saying is, I'm your brand of heroin?" My joy spread across my face. Although I was sure she was trying to ease the pressure of the moment, as any good comic relief should, I was sure that she had finally grasped what I was trying to make her see. She was trying to understand me, and there was no feeling in the world more beautiful than that.

"Yes, you are _exactly_ my brand of heroin."

"Does that happen often?" I glanced out across the line where the trees met the sky. I remembered previous conversations with Emmett and Jasper.

_I didn't last half a second. I didn't even think about resisting_. Wasn't that what Emmett had said? He didn't even think of resistance…

"I spoke to my brothers about it."

_"Honestly, I can barely smell the difference."_

_"Between any of them?"_

_"They're just people."_

_"But they each have their own unique flavor."_

_"I haven't been around long enough to notice." Until very recently, blood was only blood to me. If it weren't for the depression…_

_"You might not be a vegetarian now."_

_I'm barely a vegetarian as it is._

"To Jasper, every one of you is much the same. He's the most recent to join our family. It's a struggle for him to abstain at all. He hasn't had time to grow sensitive to the differences in smell, in flavor."

I looked back to Bella in time to see that her face blanched slightly.

"Sorry."

"I don't mind. Please don't worry about offending me, or frightening me, or whichever. That's the way you think. I can understand, or I can try to at least. Just explain however you can." I inhaled deeply. The strong scent of freesia-tinted blood crashed over me in waves, but I was becoming more immune to it by the second.

"So Jasper wasn't sure if he'd ever come across someone as…" What word could I possibly use to explain the pull between Bella's blood and my thirst? It was stronger than magnetism. It was fate. It was inevitable. "_Appealing_ as you are to me. Which makes me think not. Emmett has been on the wagon longer, so to speak…"

_I didn't last half a second._

"…and he understood what I meant."

_I didn't even think about resisting._

"He says twice for him, once stronger than the other."

"And for you?" There were so many unasked questions living underneath the simplicity of the spoken one.

"Never." We sat in silence as she absorbed my unspoken answers.

"What did Emmett do?" I could almost feel she shadow pass over my being, the perfect antithesis to the sun that shone brightly down on us from above.

_The scent of apples hung heavy in the air- the harvest was over and the rejected fruits were scattered on the ground, the bruises in their skin leaking their fragrance out in thick clouds. A fresh-mowed field of hay was a background to that scent, a harmony. He walked up the lane, all but oblivious to the woman, on an errand for Rosalie. The sky was purple overhead, orange over the western trees. He would have continued up the meandering cart path and there would have been no reason to remember the evening, except that a sudden night breeze blew the white sheets out like sails and fanned the woman's scent across Emmett's face._

"I guess I know." Did she? Could she possibly understand how badly I wanted to kill her, and how that part of me struggled with the part that loved her enough that it wanted to keep her alive?

"Even the strongest of us fall off the bandwagon, don't we?" I needed her to understand. Even though I wanted to, there was no way I could promise that she would never be hurt with us. Her response frightened me.

"What are you asking? My permission?" Her voice was harsh. She must have realized, for she adjusted it. "I mean, is there no hope then?"

_She believes I'm going to kill her_, I realized with horror.

"No, no! Of course there's hope!" I could not, would not allow Alice's vision to come true. I loved this precious human girl in front of me far too much to allow myself to hurt her.

I mean, of course I won't…" I stared deeply into her eyes, willing her, needing her to understand.

"It's different for us. Emmett… these were strangers he happened across. It was a long time ago, and he wasn't as… practiced, as careful as he is now." Of course there was hope.

I watched her reaction, monitoring her pulse, her breathing, the way she fidgeted with our hands, entwined as they were, almost subconsciously- but of course, she took it all much too cool for me to be satisfied with her mental stability.

"So if we met… oh, in a dark alley or something…" She looked up to me.

"It took everything I had not to jump up in the middle of that class full of children and-"

_Her scent hit me like a wrecking ball, like a battering ram. There was no image violent enough to encapsulate the force of what happened to me in that moment…there was no room full of witnesses- they were already collateral damage in my head._

"When you walked past me, I could have ruined everything Carlisle had built for us, right then and there. If I hadn't been denying my thirst for the past, well, too many years, I wouldn't have been able to stop myself."

_The girl would have to come sit beside me, and I would have to kill her._

"You must have thought I was possessed."

"I couldn't understand why. How you could hate me so quickly…" Hate her? I was bewildered. It was quite the opposite. It would be safer for her, if I hated her.

"To me, it was like you were some kind of demon, summoned straight from my own personal hell to ruin me. The fragrance coming off your skin…" _And your hair. And your breath_.

"I thought it would make me deranged that first day. In that one hour, I thought of a hundred different ways to lure you from the room with me, to get you alone. And I fought them each back, thinking of my family, what I could do to them. I had to run out, to get away before I could speak the words that would make you follow…"

So much was being revealed today. It needed to be. This was the pivotal moment, after all. It was the day I would decide which of Alice's visions would come true, if my third option could not. It was the day I would admit the feelings I had been harboring for her. It was the day she would learn _exactly_ how dangerous I was to her.

I looked up at her, to measure her expression. Had I frightened her yet? Any normal human should be terrified upon learning a vampire had almost destroyed an entire classroom full of children to get to their blood. But, just like always, she seemed calm. Only the slight increase in her heart rate gave away any sign of change in her.

"You would have come."

"Without a doubt." Her voice was perfectly calm. Had she known on that day that the meaning behind my black eyes and erratic behavior was more than human? I stared down at our hands, fingers entwined.

"And then, as I tried to rearrange my schedule in a pointless attempt to avoid you, you were there- in that close, warm little room, the scent was maddening. I so very nearly took you then. There was only one other frail human there- so easily dealt with." It would have been so easy to remove her body. She would have gone missing, just like Bella. No one would have ever found them. Nor would my family be implicated, then. At that point, I was not publicly aware of Bella's existence as a human being. I was privately aware of her existence as prey.

"But I resisted. I don't know how. I forced myself not to wait for you, not to follow you home from school. It was easier outside, when I couldn't smell you anymore, to think clearly, to make the right decision. I left the others near home- I was too ashamed to tell them how weak I was, they only knew that something was very wrong- and then I went straight to Carlisle, at the hospital, to tell him I was leaving."

A look that seemed to be surprise crossed her face. Apparently she hadn't known that I left the state. And the country, for a short while. The only way I knew to resist her was to distance myself from her.

"I traded cars with him- he had a full tank of gas and I didn't want to stop. I didn't dare go home, to face Esme. She wouldn't have let me go without a scene. She would have tried to convince me that it wasn't necessary…"

She was my mother, since Elizabeth had died in nineteen eighteen. She was loving, compassionate, doting. She was perfect, and for some unknown reason- perhaps because I had been the one with her and Carlisle from the beginning- she had favored me. I hurt her feelings, when I left for Alaska.

"By the next morning, I was in Alaska."

I was a coward. It embarrassed me even then, to admit to her that I had run. A mere mortal, terrorizing someone with my speed, my strength, my agility, my grace, my deadliness… and I had run to Alaska.

"I spent two days there, with some old acquaintances…" I contemplated telling her about Tanya, but decided against it. "But I was homesick. I hated knowing I'd upset Esme, and the rest of them, my adopted family. In the pure air of the mountains, it was hard to believe you were so irresistible. I convinced myself it was weak to run away. I'd dealt with temptation before, not of this magnitude, not even close, but I was strong. Who were you, an insignificant little girl-"

It became funny to me, then. She was so much more mature than any one else her age. She was so unique, so bizarre- to call her 'little' was almost insulting.

"To chase me from the place I wanted to be? So I came back…" Back to Bella. Back to my family. Back to a car accident that almost happened and a fight with Rosalie and Jasper. My pause was met with silence, so I continued.

"I took precautions, hunting, feeding more than usual before seeing you again. I was sure that I was strong enough to treat you like any other human. I was arrogant about it."

_You filthy little coward_, Rosalie had hissed at me when I returned. I could hear her thoughts from the end of the drive. She was shouting at me. _Esme's been worried sick, Alice has no one to play chess with, even Emmett doesn't want to fight with Jazz anymore. Everyone's been so out of it, no one's been themselves without you here!_

"Sorry," I muttered as I pulled up. Alice must have seen me coming home.

_You selfish arrogant jackass! Don't you dare ever put us through that again!_

"Edward?" Esme stepped down from the porch, where she had probably been waiting for me for a few hours.

"I'm sorry, Mom," I said, getting out of the car.

_You're not going to leave again?_

"No."

_Good. Now come, tell us what's wrong_.

We had a meeting at the dining room table, in which I explained the lure of the girls blood. And they all agreed to keep extra eyes out for me. Just in case I slipped up, just in case I killed someone. Even Rosalie backed off her threats if I tried to leave again. She understood that it was out of love for my family that I left.

"It was unquestionably a complication that I couldn't simply read your thoughts to know what your reaction was to me." I returned my attention to Bella. "I wasn't used to having to go to such circuitous measures, listening to your words in Jessica's mind… her mind isn't very original, and it was annoying to have to stoop to that. And then I couldn't know if you really meant what you said. It was all extremely irritating." _Even now, I can't hear her…I wish I could know what she was thinking…_

"I wanted you to forget my behavior that first day, if possible, so I tried to talk with you like I would with any person. I was eager, actually, hoping to decipher some of your thoughts. But you were too interesting, I found myself caught up in your expressions…"

She was fascinating. Every question I asked, she answered with something I did not expect. I wanted to know so much more about her, but I was loathe to attempt a full-blown interrogation. I settled for minor details, trying to pick out reactions I could expect, trying to find answers I knew I would get. But there were none. She was so much different from the others, I wondered if she was really human. She was entirely other.

"And every now and then you would stir the air with your hand or your hair, and the scent would stun me again…" I knew what I had to do, then. It was going to be difficult, and I would have to watch her reactions closely. Pulse, breathing, facial expressions… She needed to know what she was in for.

"Of course, then you were nearly crushed to death in front of my eyes. Later I thought of a perfectly good excuse for why I acted at that moment- because if I hadn't saved you, if your blood had been spilled there in front of me, I don't think I could have stopped myself from exposing us for what we are. But I only thought of that excuse later. At the time, all I could think was, 'Not her.'" I closed my eyes, listening. Her breathing was normal, but her heart rate had increased. There were so many reasons for that- was she frightened? Was she nervous? Was she… excited? I waited in near silence- with my hearing nothing was ever completely silent, but with Bella's mental silence it was close enough- for her to react. When she spoke, her voice as soft, curious- and compassionate.

"In the hospital?" I looked up at her. There was no trace of fear in her eyes. None.

"I was appalled. I couldn't believe I had put us in danger after all, put myself in your power- you of all people. As if I needed another motive to kill you." I flinched involuntarily, as did she. It was a dangerous truth, but a truth nonetheless. She needed to know. I needed her to know.

"But it had the opposite effect. I fought with Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper hen they suggested that now was the time… the worst fight we've ever had." It had been over a century since I was born, nearly a century since Carlisle had created me- and the worst fight of our vegetarian existence came from this girl sitting before me, listening to every account of her near demise.

"Carlisle sided with me, and Alice."

Her visions swirled my head in the form of memories. Bella lay in my arms, white, cold… only the color of her eyes would indicate whether she was alive or not. Crimson, black, crimson, black… was there no brown-eyed Bella in the future?

"Esme told me to do whatever I had to in order to stay. All that next day I eavesdropped on the minds of everyone you spoke to, shocked that you kept your word. I didn't understand you at all. I became more involved with you. I did my very best to stay as far from you as possible. And every day the perfume of your skin, your breath, your hair… it hit me as hard as the very first day." I looked back up to her.

"And for all that, I'd have fared better if I had exposed us all at that first moment, than if now, here- with no witnesses and nothing to stop me- I were to hurt you."

"Why?" Her question shocked me. She was honestly still oblivious.

"Isabella." Her name was a melody to my ears. I reached out, hesitating slightly before ruffling her hair. My pause was too quick for her to notice, but when my cold skin touched her, I could hear her pulse quicken slightly.

"Bella, I couldn't live with myself if I ever hurt you. You don't know how it's tortured me." Black eyes. Red eyes. Black eyes. Red eyes. Alice's visions swirled inside my head. Either way, this beautiful girl before me was doomed.

"The thought of you, still, white, cold…" _Red, black, red, black…_ "to never see you blush scarlet again, to never see that flash of intuition in your eyes when you see through my pretenses…It would be unendurable." I took a deep breath, allowing her perfume to wash over me once more.

Delicious, and yet… I loved her. I had loved her every second since the moment I heard her mutter my name in her sleep. Beautiful, wonderful, amazing, lovely…

"You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever." Her pulse skyrocketed. I wondered how it didn't simply explode form her chest and go romping about the forest. I watched her cautiously as her eyes remained glued to our hands. This was the moment Alice had seen coming. Both of our entire existences balanced in Bella's next words. I stared, waiting for her. How I hated her mental silence then- I would have killed a thousand innocents, if only to hear what she was thinking.

"You already know how I feel, of course." I was frustrated. Did she assume I knew everything magically? Didn't she remember that most of my knowledge came from listening to others' thoughts?

"I'm here…" She took a deep breath as her pulse, which had slowed ever so slightly in the few moments of silence, picked up speed. "Which, roughly translated, means I would rather die than stay away from you."

For ninety years, my body was frozen. I had known no change. The first time I felt a true alteration to my being was when I realized I had loved Bella. And now, it happened again, as I realized that she, for some miraculous, unknown, and entirely unlikely reason, loved me, too.

I was overcome by a plethora of emotions, most of which were unknown to me. I felt, once again, that I was drowning in them. I couldn't breathe, although I wanted to smell her fragrance once more. She would rather die than stay away from me. My joy was cut short, however, when she frowned slightly.

"I'm an idiot." I laughed. She could not be more beautiful to me than she was at that moment.

"You _are_ an idiot." We looked at each other and laughed. It felt so good, to have everything out in the open.

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb…" As soon as I murmured the four letter word, her heart pounded, her breathing increased. She was undoubtedly thrilled. I grinned. It was a wonderful feeling.

"What a stupid lamb," she sighed.

"What a sick, masochistic lion," I countered. I was as determined as ever to make my vision come true- I could stay with her, and keep her human. We could never physically love one another, of course, but she would never have to be one of us. I could save her from the fates Alice had seen for her.

"Why-" She started, then stopped.

"Yes?"

"Tell me why you ran from me before." I could feel the smile slide from my very face as she spoke.

"You know why."

"No, I mean _exactly_ what did I do wrong? I'll have to be on my guard, you see, so I better start learning what I shouldn't do. This, for example-" she casually stroked the back of my hand, causing an unusual warmth to spread throughout my icy body- "seems to be alright."

"You didn't do anything wrong, Bella. It was my fault."

"But I want to help, if I can, to not make this harder for you."

"Well…" I contemplated how to phrase my response. "It was just how close you were. Most humans instinctively shy away from us, are repelled by our alien-ness… I wasn't expecting you to come so close. And the smell of your _throat_." It slipped out before I realized what I was saying. I looked at her quickly, to judge her reaction- it seemed I had to rely on visuals, as my sense of extra hearing did not work on her.

"Okay then." She looked at me, her eyes smiling. She casually tucked her chin down to her collar bone. "No throat exposure." I had to laugh.

"No, really, it was more the surprise than anything else." I reached out with my free hand, placing it casually on her neck. My touch, I knew, would be unnaturally cold to her. It was a warning— the way poisonous animals were brightly colored. Humans would feel our touch and know that we were entirely other. It should have frightened her. Just like every other time I expected her to fear me, she did not. Just like every other time I touched her, her pulse began to hammer.

"You see? Perfectly fine." I could feel her pulse pounding through her fragile, delicate skin. It raced for her face, turning it the most delicious shade of pink.

"The blush on your cheeks is lovely," I commented. She flushed even more, embarrassed that she was embarrassed. It was irresistible. I focused intently on what Carlisle had explained. The lack of self-control involved with physical love was dangerous. I had to be extremely careful.

Ever so slightly, I pulled my hand from hers. It fell into her lap as I drifted my other hand toward the other side of her neck, moving it up to cradle her fragile skull between my fingertips..

"Be very still." It was only a whisper, but she froze immediately. I leaned forward cautiously. A new emotion erupted from my conscience– fear.

Not the fear that I would kill Bella or expose my family. An entirely new kind of fear. It tore at my mind, making my stomach, though currently empty of blood, twist into knots.

I had no idea what I was doing.

I rested my cheek against the delicate curve where her clavicles joined at the base of her throat. The smell was burning my throat again, but I could ignore it, I realized, if I focused on Bella. She remained perfectly still, probably terrified of my thirst. Casually, slowly as to test her reaction- just as I always did- I moved by hands down towards her shoulders. She shivered, the movement sending a wave of her scent oscillating towards me. The thirst flared, and for a moment, the monster inside of me grinned, hoping to feed. I destroyed it instantly. Bella was in my arms, and she would be safe.

I moved my face very so slowly to rest against her body, listening to the pounding rhythm of her heart as her body reacted involuntarily to my touch. I sighed, enjoying the melody of its beating. It was a perfect backdrop to the music, the melody I had written for her.

For an immeasurable moment we sat like that, my face absorbing the warmth that her heartbeat offered through her skin- thin as paper, delicate as crystal. She was so fragile, so… _breakable_. And I was more dangerous to her than anything, and yet here I was- I sat with perfect stillness, absorbing her essence. Never again would it be so difficult for me to come near her. Never again would I be a threat to her. From now on I was her guardian, her angel, and saving her from the rest of the world would forever be my duty.

And I loved the very idea of it.

"It won't be so hard again."

"Was that very hard for you?" Her eyes opened slightly wider.

"Not nearly as bad as I imagined it would be. And you?"

"No. It wasn't bad… for me."

"You know what I mean." She returned my smile. I reached out, taking her hand and placing it against my cheek.

"Here. Do you feel how warm it is?" Not that there was ever any shudder from her when we touched, but even a normal person would barely be able to tell he difference between my temperature and hers. But something did cross her eyes when her skin touched mine- something I hadn't expected. Her breathing stopped for a moment, then became incredibly shallow. Her eyes dilated, turning slightly misty.

"Don't move." It was a command, and I obeyed, closing my eyes. I had given up my soul to this girl. No matter what, now, I was hers. Whatever she wanted, I was willing to give her.

Her fingers, delicately enough to be mistaken for one of my kind's, traced the planes of my face. It was apparent that it was something she had longed to do for some time- probably since we discovered the magic of a darkened biology classroom. They were gentle, yet needy. And although I knew it was wrong on multiple levels, I could feel a certain... not a warmth, exactly, but a certain sensation cross my body. I wanted things- things I knew I would never be able to have. I was suddenly glad Carlisle had spoken to me before. If I had not known what this emotion was, it would have terrified even me.

Suddenly she leaned away, and I opened my eyes. Hers were looking at me, but I could feel something in he air between us that suddenly made even my frigid skin feel warm. As we looked into each other's eyes, her pulse began to hammer once again.

"I wish…" it was a whisper that escaped, and I was shocked. I did not know what I wanted to say. The lack of articulation on my behalf was new. It was odd. "I wish you could feel the… complexity…" Was there another word?

"The confusion… I feel. That you could understand." She made me feel joyous. She was another side of me. I was complete when I was with her, and I wanted to feel that completeness in more than the emotional way. I brushed her hair away from her face so I could better see her eyes as she absorbed what I was trying to say.

"Tell me." Apparently, her curiosity was as strong as mine.

"I don't think I can. I've told you, on the one hand, the hunger- the thirst- that, deplorable creature that I am, I feel for you. And I think you can understand that, to an extent." I could feel myself smirk slightly as a thought occurred to me.

"Though, as you are not addicted to any illegal substances, you probably can't empathize completely. But…" She shivered as I touched her lips, and a thought suddenly occurred to me. Were there not multiple kinds of ways in which to show affection?

"There are other hungers. Hungers I don't even understand, that are foreign to me." Her next words filled me with joy.

"I may understand _that_ better than you think."

"I'm not used to feeling so human. Is it always like this?"

"For me?" _Ah, but how could I forget? Bella of no previous lovers…_ "No. Never before this."

I moved my hands back down to hers.

"I don't know how to be close to you." _Oh, I know how. It's just far, far too dangerous_. "I don't know if I can." It was her turn to move forward, laying against me and placing her cheek against my chest- she could have heard my pulse, if I still had one.

"This is enough." She sighed, closing her delicate eyes. For some reason unknown to me, I suddenly wrapped my arms around her and pressed my face lightly into her hair, smelling the perfume that hid there unbeknownst to Bella.

"You're better at this than you give yourself credit for."

"I have human instincts," I said, slightly defensively. "They may be buried deep, but they're there." We stayed in that position for another long moment. It was then that I noticed the trees whispering, their shadows inching toward us.

"You have to go."

"I thought you couldn't read my mind," She said quietly. I smiled. I was spending just enough time with her to predict her reactions…

"It's getting clearer." Suddenly an idea came to me. I took her shoulders, forcing her too look up at me. I was sure that my behavior was as giddy as a school-aged child, but I was suddenly liberated by the epiphany of our mutual feelings.

"Can I show you something?"

"Show me what?"

"I'll show you how _I_ travel in the forest." Her eyes widened, her face became paler. "Don't worry, you'll be very safe, and we'll get to your truck much faster. I smiled, listening to her heart stutter in sync with her ragged breaths.

"Will you turn into a bat?" I laughed at he response- how could I not? Everything was new, unveiled by the filter of the joy that flowed throughout me like an aura.

"Like I haven't heard _that_ one before!"

"Right, I'm sure you get it all the time."

"Come on, little coward, climb on my back." I was still grinning. When she did not move, I reached for her, pulling her onto my back as I stood up.

She clamped her arms and legs around me, terrified. It was a good thing I didn't need to breathe.

"I'm a bit heavier than your average backpack," She muttered, as if in attempt to warn me.

"Hah!" Apparently she missed the part where I dented a mini-van to save her. I grabbed her hand, then, pulling it towards me and leaning in to her wrist, inhaling deeply. The fire in my throat was a dull ember, nowhere near the flame it was the first time I smelled her.  
"Easier all the time." I bolted, and she clamped down onto me even harder.

I didn't need to think about running. Didn't need to think about moving fluidly through the trees like a ghost, stepping casually over fallen trees and branches as if they didn't exist, my feet barely touching the ground as I flew. I didn't need to think about the way running made me feel- free from the rest of the world as it flew by me in a slid green blur, and yet every detail standing out to me. I technically didn't need to think at all, but as I ran, I did think.

There were so many things I would not be able to offer Bella if she decided to remain with me- which she likely would. Without succumbing to either of Alice's visions, I would not be allowed to engage in the sorts of activities that Emmett and Rosalie found their relationship was based upon. I would not be allowed to physically love Bella the way normal married couples would.

But there were other options available. As I ran, I contemplated them. There was something so delicate, so irresistibly alluring in the shape of her lips. I could kiss her. It would be simple. There was no need for intricate intimacies. One little kiss could be afforded… Couldn't it?

In a matter of moments, we were back at the truck.

"Exhilarating, isn't it?" I stood still, waiting for her to move, but she did not.

"Bella?"

"I think… I need… to lie… down." She choked out between gasps. I hadn't realized that she needed to breathe.

"Oh, sorry," I muttered. She still remained motionless.

"I think I need help." I smiled to myself, taking extra caution when removing her arms from around my throat. She was so easily broken. I shifted her around so that she was cradled against my chest, and though I wanted to keep her there, I suddenly realized that it was a bad idea. The fragility of her small frame so close to my body was not helping my self-control.

"How do you feel?" I asked after setting her down. Of course I couldn't let her walk- if she were dizzy, she would become more prone to tripping over nothing than she usually was. Which was a lot.

"Dizzy, I think."

"Put your head between your knees." She complied, and I sat beside her, waiting for her to calm herself and regain what little equilibrium she had. After a moment, she put her head up.

"I guess that wasn't the best idea."

"No, it was very interesting."

"Hah!" I was right. She really hated showing any sign of what she considered weakness. Apparently she did not know her clumsiness already marked her as a target.

"You're as white as a ghost," I commented. "No, you're as white as me!"

"I think I should have closed my eyes."

"Remember that next time."

"Next time!" She groaned, closing her eyes, her head flopping slightly back towards it's position between her knees before she leaned back to stare up at the line of tree branches ending just above our heads.

"Show-off," she muttered. I wouldn't get another chance. I made a decision, leaning in towards Bella even though I knew it was a bad idea. I was too selfish a creature to _not_ do what I was about to do.

"Open your eyes, Bella." Apparently she did not realize my face was so close to hers, for hen she opened her eyes, she gasped in shock. I could see the reflection of mine in hers, and they were darker- hungry, but not thirsty. They were tense, and a bit frightened.

"I was thinking, while I was running…" I didn't know how to ask for what I was trying to ask for.

"About not hitting the trees, I hope," she said, taking full advantage of my silence.

"Silly Bella, running is second nature to me. It's not something I have to think about."

"Show-off."

I tried smiling, hoping the dazzling thing she mentioned would work as well for her as it did for the likes of Jessica Stanley and Mrs. Cope.

"No. I was thinking there was something I wanted to try." Carefully, tenderly, I reached out to hold her face in my hands, barely touching her with my fingertips. Her pulse exploded, her breathing almost stopped altogether. I stopped.

I did not know what I was about to do. I knew I was capable of killing her, of course. Carlisle had warned me about that, as had Alice, on multiple occasions. I waited for her to start mentally screaming at me, but nothing occurred. It was silence- the only noises I could hear were cars driving down the highway a few miles away, the wind slipping through the trees, and the violent hammering of Bella's heart.

We had already confessed our feelings for one another. This was truly the last barrier between us. I wasn't going to kill her. I couldn't live with myself if I did. _Alice would have my hide_, I reminded myself. I didn't know what I could do. But I knew I would never be okay until I found out.

I was cautious, applying as little pressure as I could- and for someone who could stroke a soap bubble without breaking it, I could find myself capable of a very light touch. Her lips were warm, and her skin tasted the way freesia smelled. And for a second, it was bliss. I had prepared myself for my lack of self-control.

I had not prepared myself for Bella's.

Her heart beat even faster, and she started breathing again. Unfortunately it was the sort of breathing a human would not typically do unless forced into austere amounts of physical exertion. Her hands somehow found my head, her fingers curling into my hair as if she could hold me to her. As if her tiger-kitten strength could stop a vampire.

For another terrifying second, the monster inside of me, the red-eyed Edward who lusted for Bella's blood, roared in triumph. But suddenly the image of Bella, dead in my arms, came back to me full force. I focused on it, willing it to be a lie. I froze, turning to absolute stone before anything happened. I pushed Bella away gently, and she opened her eyes. Apparently she had not expected the reaction, either.

"Oops."

"That's an understatement." _A very large one, in fact_. I could feel my muscles tense as I held myself carefully. I had enough control, even though the fire began to burn once more.

"Should I…?" She made to move away from me, but I was already gaining control.

"No, it's tolerable. Wait for a moment, please." She watched me, and I watched her, and eventually the burning reduced to a smoldering that was easily ignored. I grinned.

"There."

"Tolerable?" I could not help but laugh.

"I'm stronger than I thought. It's nice to know."

"I wish I could say the same. I'm sorry." Alas, I thought, the tiger realizes she is a kitten. I smirked.

"You are only human, after all."

"Thanks so much." I stood up then, offering her my hand. She looked surprised, but took it, clamoring to her feet.

"Are you still faint from the run? Or was it my kissing expertise?" I grinned, teasing her.

"I can't be sure, I'm still woozy." She stumbled, as if to prove a point.

"I think it's some of both, though."

"Maybe you should let me drive," I offered.

"Are you insane?" She asked, incredulous. Perhaps she thought I was going to attempt to push her decrepit old monster of a car beyond it's pathetic speed limit.

"I can drive better than you on your best day. You have much slower reflexes."

"I'm sure that's true, but I don't think my nerves, or my truck, could take it." I grinned as she confirmed my suspicions.

"Some trust, please, Bella." Her free hand moved into her pocked, curling around the key. Clearly, she was delusional enough to think she could keep it from me.

"Nope. Not a chance." She moved past me in an attempt at defiance, made all the more charming by her sudden wobbling.

"Bella," I explained. "I have already expanded a great deal of personal effort at this point to keep you alive. I'm not about to let you behind the wheel of a vehicle when you can't even walk straight. Besides," I added, teasing again, "friends don't let friends drive drunk."

"Drunk?" I smirked again as she fell for it.

"You're intoxicated by my very presence." She sighed.

"I can't argue with that." She casually removed the key from her pocket and dropped it, watching me move to catch it.

"Take it easy- my truck is a senior citizen."

"Very sensible."

"And are you not affected at all?" She seemed irritated as she asked. "By my presence?"

I leaned in towards her once more, enjoying the melody of her pounding heart as my lips moved up and down the side of her face. She blushed, turning her skin warm beneath my touch.

"Regardless. I have better reflexes."


	4. Chapter 14: Mind Over Matter

**A/N: Wow, I am SO so sorry for the delay. My sister decided to turn me into the human Twi-brary so I've been without a copy of Twilight for over a month now :( But I'm back with more Cullen-y goodness. Honestly, I am SO grateful for all the support I've been getting. This is all for you, so if there's anything wrong in the slightest, please make sure you inform me. I want this to be the best "Midnight Sun" surrogate ever :D **

**So if you have any friends as pissed off as I am about MS not being finished, let them know I'm as devoted to helping them as they are to getting Edward Cullen for Christmas :D  
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**Mind Over Matter  
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I was overjoyed when she did not pull her hand from mine. For so long I had wanted to touch her, and for so long, I had been terrified that the coolness of my skin would bother her. But it did not. I was here, driving her home, holding hands with her. Although, more importantly, I had just kissed her.

There were so many reasons to be elated. First and foremost, it meant that I was stronger than even I thought I was. It meant that I could be with her, and leave her human. It meant that both of Alice's choices were wrong. It meant that I could, in fact, make my own path in this existence.

Secondly, it meant that I could now interpret Bella's comment to Jessica. It was not that she had overestimated her feelings for me, but rather, that she had underestimated my own. She wanted to be with me- she could have Mike, Erik, even that despicably arrogant Tyler, if she so chose- but she didn't. There would be no Mike Newton in her future. There was only me.

Of course, that was always subject to change. If Bella ever decided that she didn't want me... I would have to be strong enough to leave her. But that was the beauty of it- she didn't want to leave. For all intents and purposes, she was mine. She opened the window, leaning out slightly to face the setting sun. It used to amaze me, back in my mortal days. And though it was beautiful still, I could not help but turning to face her every so often. She was more beautiful to me than anything the world had to offer. Was it possible that I had ever thought her plain, or average, or anything less than the single most beautiful creature alive?

The silence was a bit depressing however, so I turned on the radio, immediately searching out my favorite oldies station. I sang along, knowing that the sound of my voice would sooth her heart, which had exceeded one hundred beats per minute and had not gone below that level since I had kissed her.

"You like fifties music?" She asked in shock.

"Music in the fifties was good," I said, mocking defense. "Much better than the sixties or seventies," I exclaimed, copying a sound I had heard Rosalie make. I think she picked it up from the students, even though she never spoke with them- she was always ahead in the newest fads, which didn't surprise me with her level of vanity.

"The eighties were bearable." Her next question surprised me.

"Are you ever going to tell me how old you are?" There was some overtone in her voice that made me hesitate. She seemed afraid of something, but I couldn't pinpoint what. Not being able to hear her thoughts was driving me absolutely insane.

"Does it matter much?" I inquired honestly.

"No, but I still wonder…" She paused, staring out the window as if remembering something.

"There's nothing like an unsolved mystery to keep you up at night." The slight wave of panic that had been about to cloud my joyous mood was quickly overshadowed by this new piece of my Bella. I was the reason she did not sleep. It was selfish of me, I knew, to be overjoyed at this thought, but when she slept, she was thinking of me.

"I wonder if it will upset you," I said quietly, almost to myself. Of course if I really wanted to say something to myself, I could do so without Bella hearing.

"Try me," she said, looking at me with her egregious attempt at audacity. Her kitten-tiger fury was unbearably attractive. I glanced over to look into her eyes, searching their brown depths. There was something in the perfectly shaded brown of her eyes that comforted me, strangely enough. I was so used to holding the mortals in contempt, I was so used to parading about as if nothing had value.

As a vampire among humans, I was almost a nihilist. But as Edward next to Bella… something shifted within me. I had reason. I had hope. I suddenly found myself wanting to help others, wanting to paint the sky at sunset and watch her eyes light up in joy. I wanted to be there for her, as her angel, or her guardian. I wanted to love her for all eternity. I turned to face the sun.

"I was born in Chicago in nineteen-oh-one." I glanced to her out of my peripheral vision, but there was no hint of fear there. Only a mask of perfect inquisition stared back at me, waiting to hear more.

"Carlisle found me in a hospital in the summer of nineteen eighteen. I was seventeen, and dying of the Spanish Influenza." Her inhale was sharp, and I glanced over at her in concern. What was it about the Spanish Influenza that terrified her more than the fact that I was born nearly ninety years before her? Something was bothering her, which I could tell due to the slight "v" that had appeared once more in her forehead.

"I don't remember it well," I explained. "It was a very long time ago, and human memories fade." I stopped. I did remember it well. It burned, unlike any pain a human can imagine. I didn't want to frighten her with the gore of my life.

"I do remember how it felt, when Carlisle saved me. It's not an easy thing, something you could forget."

"Your parents?" Her concern was genuine.

"They had already died from the disease. I was alone. That was why he chose me. In all the chaos of the epidemic, no one would ever realize I was gone.

"How did he… save you?" There were so many unspoken questions in her inquiry that I knew I couldn't answer safely. She wanted to know if I could change her- and I knew I would never be able to. Even if I wanted to keep her immortal with me- which I didn't- I would never possess the self-control with which to do it.

But, I wondered, would she go to Carlisle? He had the restraint necessary to turn us over without killing any of us. Surely, if Bella thought to ask him, he could change her? The thought sickened me. I would have to warn Carlisle at a later time.

"It was difficult." I had to be extremely careful about my word choice. "Not many of us have the restraint necessary to accomplish it. But Carlisle has always been the most humane, the most compassionate of us…" I was shocked by the truth of my words. Carlisle was the most humane of us all. Carlisle was more altruistic than I could ever be. And Carlisle would have had the sense to leave Bella alone. But it was too late for me to worry about that now.

"I don't think you could find his equal throughout all of history." _Except for maybe Jesus_, I mused.

"He acted from loneliness," I said after a few moments of silence, in which I was sure Bella had been plotting how to get to Carlisle. Or perhaps I was paranoid.

"That's usually the reason behind the choice. I was the first in Carlisle's family, though he found Esme soon after." It broke his heart, to see her broken the way she was.

"She fell from a cliff." No, I lied. She jumped. But there was really no need to bother Bella with the trifling details, was there?

"They brought her to the morgue, though, somehow, her heart was still beating."

"So you must be dying, then, to become…" She couldn't bring herself to name the monster that I was. I couldn't, either.

"No, that's just Carlisle," I corrected.

"He would never do that to someone who had a choice," I emphasized. "It is easier he says, though, if the blood is weak."

"And Emmett and Rosalie?"

"Carlisle brought Rosalie to our family next. I didn't realize until much later that he was hoping she would be to me what Esme was to him- he was careful with his thoughts around me." I rolled me eyes, yet another trait I had picked up from Rose. "But she was never more than a sister." _It took her long enough to get there, too_, I thought to myself. "It was only two years later that she found Emmett. She was hunting- we were in Appalachia at the time- and found a bear about to finish him off."

"She carried him back to Carlisle, more than a hundred miles, afraid she wouldn't be able to do it herself. I'm only beginning to guess how difficult that journey was for her." I knew the call of Emmett's blood to Rosalie was nowhere near the intensity that Bella's blood called to me. However, I knew that the painstaking process of sucking Bella's blood and actually forcing myself to stop would be unbearable. I knew that if I started, I would never be able to stop. I would kill her.

Silently, I moved my hand to brush her cheek, our fingers still entwined.

"But she made it," Bella encouraged, looking away from my eyes. I couldn't figure out why.

"Yes," I agreed. "She saw something in his face that made her strong enough. And they've been together ever since. Sometimes they live separately from us, as a married couple. But the younger we pretend to be, the longer we can stay in any given place. Forks seemed perfect, so we all enrolled in High School." Again. Matriculation was a hobby, albeit a boring one. I couldn't help but laugh.

"I suppose we'll have to go to their wedding in a few years, _again_."

"Alice and Jasper?"

"Alice and Jasper are two very rare creatures," I explained quietly. "They both developed a conscience, as we refer to it, with no outside guidance. Jasper belonged to another… _family_," I hesitated. I didn't want to say coven, but they were obviously not a family. But that was his story to tell, not mine. "A very different kind of family. He became depressed, and he wandered on his own. Alice found him. Like me, she had certain gifts above and beyond the norm of our kind-"

"Really? But you said you were the only one who could hear people's thoughts."

"That's true. She knows other things. She sees things- things that might happen, things that are coming." None of us saw this.

"But it's very subjective. The future isn't set in stone. Things change." I glanced over to her, then back out at the road in front of me. Would any of her visions come true? Or could I really, honestly stay with Bella, love her, protect her- and keep her mortal? Did I have what it would take?

"What kind of things does she see?"

"She saw Jasper and knew that he was looking for her before he knew it himself. She saw Carlisle and our family, and they came together to find us. She's most sensitive to non-humans. She always sees, for example, when another group of our kind is coming near. And any threat they may pose."

"Are there a lot of… your kind?" She sounded shocked, unsure as to just how many of us there were.

"No, not many. But most won't settle in any one place. Only those like us, who've given up hunting people, can live together with humans for any length of time. We've only found one other family like ours, in a small village in Alaska. We lived together for a time, but there were so many of us that we became too noticeable. Those of us who live… differently tend to band together."

"And the others?" She asked as I pulled onto her street.

"Nomads, for the most part. We've all lived that way at times. It gets tedious, like anything else. But we run across the others now and then, because most of us prefer the north."

"And why is that?" I fought the urge to laugh as I moved to turn off her truck.

"Did you have your eyes open this afternoon? Do you think I could walk down the street in the sunlight without causing traffic accidents? There's a reason why we chose the Olympic Peninsula, one of the most sunless places in the world. It's nice to be able to go outside in the day. You wouldn't believe how tired you can get of nighttime in eighty-odd years."

"So that's where the legends came from?"

"Probably."

"And Alice came from another family, like Jasper?"

She had so many questions, and I was afraid to answer them all. If she really knew about our world, our lifestyle, would she still want me? Some part of me knew that I was being selfish and that I did not care if she wanted me or not because in the end, I would always, _always_ want her.

"No, and that is a mystery. Alice doesn't remember her human life at all. And she doesn't know who created her. She awoke alone. Whoever made her walked away, and none of us understand why, or how, he could. If she hadn't had that other sense, if she hadn't seen Jasper and Carlisle and known that she would someday become one of us, she probably would have turned into a total savage."

I was about to explain Esme's fascination with psychology and how that applied to Alice's case when Bella's stomach growled. I smiled lightly.

"I'm sorry, I'm keeping you from dinner."

"I'm fine, really," she insisted.

"I've never spent so much time around anyone who eats food. I forget."

"I want to stay with you." I could feel the warmth spreading uncannily from my core as she spoke those blessed words. It was the same tingling, the same electricity that seemed to flow between us in the darkness of biology- magnified, now, by the combined darkness of the road and of the absence of her peers.

"Can't I come in?"

"Would you like to?" The question wasn't an invitation so much as a questioning of my psychology. It was as if she thought I wanted nothing to do with her human life.

"Yes, if it's all right." She seemed like she was thinking about something, so I took the liberty of jumping out and walking around the car so that I could open her door for her.

"Very human," she smirked as I helped her out of the truck.

"It's definitely resurfacing."

And it was. Every moment I spent with her brought about another wave of suppressed feelings and emotions that I didn't know I had been missing since my human days.

I walked her up to her doorstep as was customary, and she continually glanced at me in the darkness. I had to remind myself that she was still a mortal- her eyesight had nothing on mine.

I reached forward- with the superhuman speed that I knew would keep even her from seeing me- and grabbed the key, unlocking the door and replacing it before she would notice.

"The door was unlocked?" The "v" appeared in her forehead, just as it always did when she was worried or stressed.

"No, I used the key form under the eave."

She went inside the house, flicking on a light and turning out to stare at me. Her eyebrows were raised in the way a mother's would be had she caught her children sneaking cookies before dinner.

"I was curious about you," I said, trying to keep myself calm. It was about time she knew what I had been up to.

"You spied on me?"

_Stalking is more like it._ I knew Rosalie, if she were here, would be thinking something just like that.

"What else is there to do at night?" _I used to run to Seattle_, I thought to myself. _But you're so much more interesting._

She moved towards the kitchen and I allowed myself to go into her house, closing the door and rushing ahead of her to place myself in a chair at the kitchen table. She stopped, looking at me for a very long time before moving towards the refrigerator and pulling out what looked like lasagna. I watched her intently as she cut it, placing a square on a plate and into the microwave.

I mentally reminded myself to start watching the Food Network. If I was going to be spending any sort of time with the humans- which I intended to- I needed to be prepared.

And suddenly I was whisked away into another thought. What if I was able to stay with her? What if I could love her, be with her, worship the very ground she walked on for the rest of her life? She would grow old and I would remain immortal, of course. At some point she would be able to pass for my mother, my grandmother, Carlisle's grandmother- but my family was used to bizarre rumors and risqué relationships. The possibility of a mortal existence by Bella's side overwhelmed me to the point that I didn't hear her question. She repeated it when I did not respond adequately, without turning from her lasagna.

"How often did you come here?"

"I come here almost every night," I said without thinking. She stopped, turning to face me. Her expression was shocked, slightly alarmed, but absolutely stunning.

"Why?"

"You're interesting when you sleep. You talk."

"No!" She gripped the counter, her hands the shade of white her face would never reach. She blushed so easily. It took me one-tenth of a second to recover from the sudden flush of her blood to her face, but then I was instantaneously worried. I had offended her. I had crossed the line. I was the strange stalker boyfriend and what's worse, was that she knew I had, for all intents and purposes, wanted to kill her from the very moment I laid eyes on her.

"Are you very angry with me?"

"That depends!" She choked out, her breathing irregular. I waited, impatiently, but she did not elaborate until I prompted her to do so.

"On?"

"What you heard!"

I moved to her side quickly, taking her hands in mine. She was so precious, so fragile, so beautiful, and I had probably terrified her.

"Don't be upset." I looked into her eyes willing my dazzle-power to do its magic as I explained why I couldn't leave.

"You miss your mother." My voice was a whisper. "You worry about her. And when it rains, the sound makes you restless. You used to talk about home a lot, but it's less often now. Once you said, 'It's too green.'" I chuckled, remembering her explanation about the beauty of the desert and her declaration of not liking anything wet during one of our first few conversations.

"Anything else?" I fought off the urge to smile. It was obvious that she spoke of what she dreamed about- and she spoke of me in the night.

"You did say my name."

"A lot?"

"How much do you mean by 'a lot,' exactly?"

"Oh no…" she hung her head refusing to look me in the eyes. I pulled her close to me, relishing in the glory of the position I was in. She was ashamed of admitting her feelings for me in the way only a girl could be when she really, truly cared for someone.

"Don't be self-conscious," I tried to sooth her. "If I could dream at all, it would be about you. And I'm not ashamed of it." Suddenly we both looked up, hearing Charlie's tires squeal on the sidewalk.

"Should your father know I'm here?"

"I'm not sure…"

"Another time then." I ran down the hallway when suddenly, I changed my direction. I ended up in Bella's room instead of outside, laying myself across her bed and trying not to eavesdrop on her conversation with Charlie. My mind wandered towards Carlisle and what he would think of this relationship. And then something occurred to me- if I could follow my path, the path I laid out for Bella involving me actively in her life, then what would I do once she passed? I knew I could not bear to live in a world without her, nor would I steal her humanity from her.

Only one option remained in my mind. It was dark, it was dreary, and I knew that it was all I could do in a world without Bella. I contemplated it for a while, wondering. What could I do?

_Be careful._

I rolled my eyes, whispering.

"I'm fine."

_You almost killed her in the meadow._

"I'm under control."

Silence.

"Mind over matter."

_Do NOT hurt her, Edward. If you feel like you're slipping, come home._

"Did you see me about to do something?" I knew she hadn't, of course. I would have seen her vision.

_Just be careful._

I was worried. Alice would not have come to check on me if I wasn't about to put Bella into any form of danger. Which got me wondering again. Carlisle had tried numerous times and failed. I suppose I could always jump into a volcano if I had to…

"See you in the morning, Dad." I listened as she stomped up the stairs, closing the door to her bedroom as she rushed in without even bothering to turn on a light. She sprinted towards the window, throwing it open and leaning out into the cold night air.

"Edward?"

_Oh God, she knows you've been watching her sleep?!_

"Yes?" I asked, chuckling, from the bed. She clutched her throat with one hand- a very ironic gesture- as she spun around to face me. As if she subconsciously thought I was dangerous. She sunk to the floor, her eyes wide.

"I'm sorry."

"Just give me a minute to restart my heart," she muttered. I moved slowly- even for the human pace- and reached out for her, placing her on the bed.

"Why don't you sit with me?" I asked, placing my hand over hers. "How's the heart?"

"You tell me- I'm sure you hear it better than I do." I laughed. She was right. We sat for a few moments, waiting for it to slow.

"Can I have a moment to be human?" She asked.

"Certainly."

"Stay," she said, mocking severity.

"Yes, ma'am." I froze, turning myself into the human statue. Technically I wasn't human, of course, but I was more alive than Michelangelo, at least.

As she showered and did her human things I fell back into pondering. It seemed to be going well. I could look forward to seeing Bella. I knew that I wasn't going to hurt her now. I was far to attached to let anything- including myself- hurt her. But what if I did make it?

_Edward…_

Alice was sharing my vision- a world in which Bella grew old, myself at her side.

_Edward, that's no life for her. It's too late for that._

I couldn't live in a world without her, but my only other option left my family without me. It was bad enough that I had left for Alaska for a few days. What would it do to them if I left permanently? Obviously I had no soul left, because I was no longer human. I mused over this as I heard her rushing own the stairs and conversing quickly with Charlie. If I chose poorly, if I bit Bella… I would rather keep her as one of us than kill her.

Or would I?

Was it better to live in a square yard of space- supposing you had to pass through three days of fire to get there- or was it better to die as a human, feeding a monster?

Bella bust into the room, flinging the door shut behind her. I looked over her outfit, paying ungentlemanly attention to the holes in her t-shirt.

"Nice. No, it looks good on you," I said in response to her facial expression. How on earth a female could possibly want to look perfect while going to bed was beyond me, but even Esme and Alice did, apparently. Rosalie, of course, always wanted to look perfect.

"Thanks." She sat down on the bed beside me.

"What was all that for?"

"Charlie thinks I'm sneaking out."

"Oh. Why?" She gave me a look as if to say, 'Well, duh!'

"Apparently, I look a little over excited." I grinned internally at the opportunity. I carefully turned her face towards mine.

"You look very warm, actually."

_Edward…_

Hesitantly, carefully, I leaned forward until our cheeks were pressed together. The warmth that radiated form her body almost burned me, but it was not as nearly as hot as the burning that was beginning to develop in mine. I inhaled deeply, fighting the urge to cringe as her blood's scent poured into my nostrils. But it was not as shocking, was not as burning, as it was when I first crossed paths with her. After a few moments, she spoke.

"It seems to be… much easier for you, now, to be close to me."

"Does it seem that way to you?" I casually brush her hair back, exposing the skin of her neck.

"Much, much easier…" She was right. As we sat together, touching, I allowed my fingers to travel towards her collarbone.

"So I was wondering…"

"Yes?" Oh, how she caused my curiosity to burn.

"Why is that, do you think?"

"Mind over matter." Suddenly, she shifted, and the strength of her scent exploded within my cranium.

_NO!_

My olfactory nerves must have suddenly decided to work overtime, I thought to myself as I clenched my jaw. The demon inside of my glowered from the darkness- he would be vanquished, once and for all, soon. Or else. We stared at each other, her eyes boring into mine.

"Did I do something wrong?"

"No- the opposite," She said quietly. "You're driving me crazy." I could feel the smile slowly start creep across my face. Not only did she want me, but I was actually good at this. There was something beyond the bedazzlement of our difference in species. I was just human enough to actually make a good boyfriend.

"Really?"

"Would you like a round of applause?"

"I'm just pleasantly surprised." Her eyes lit up, the curiosity burning. "In the last hundred years or so, I never imagined anything like this. I didn't believe I would ever find someone I wanted to be with… in another way than my brothers and sisters. And then to find, even though it's all new to me, that I'm good at it… at being with you…"

I was ecstatic.

"You're good at everything," she pouted. I shrugged, making her laugh in a quiet whisper. I couldn't help but allow my voice join in the secret joy.

"But how can it be so easy now? This afternoon-"

"It's not easy," I said, sighing.

It would never be easy. Every second of my life with Bella would be a fight. Every second of my life with her, her very scent would drive me mad with pain and thirst. Every second of my life with her would torture me, and I would do everything within my power to give her what she deserved. She didn't deserve me, of course, but as long as she wanted me, I would do whatever I had to in order to protect her.

"But this afternoon, I was still…" I wasn't sure if I could explain the before-and-after effect our kiss had on me.

"Undecided. I am sorry about that, it was unforgivable for me to behave so." To my surprise, she shook her head.

"Not unforgivable."

"Thank you. You see…" I was suddenly overcome with the urge to explain myself to her. Not because I wanted her forgiveness, but because I wanted her understanding. I wanted her to know every single insignificant detail of my life. I wanted her to love me at my very truest, deepest core.

"I wasn't sure if I was strong enough." I picked up her hand, bringing to my face, relishing the warmth it held. The sudden scent of her wrist, and the pulse beneath the papery fragile skin, sent my senses into a haywire spiral. And yet, I found I could control myself.

"And while there was still that possibility that I might be… overcome…" I demonstrated by inhaling deeply, letting the burning in the back of my throat ignite. And yet, I could still control myself.

"I was… susceptible. Until I had made up my mind that I _was_ strong enough, that there was no possibility at all that I would… that I ever could…" I couldn't quite bring myself to describe what I thought I was going to do to her. My mind was filled with the memories of Alice's visions. Dead, dying, dead, dying. White and cold, in both scenarios. Also, both my fault.

"So there's no possibility now?"

"Mind over matter." I smiled.

"Wow, that was easy." I couldn't help but laugh, although still in a whisper. Charlie was still downstairs, but not quite concerned enough for Bella to come upstairs yet.

"Easy for _you_!"

Alice's vision struck me instantaneously, leaving almost as quickly as it started. The road was wet, and though she cried, she stood alone in the road as I drove away. I could feel the remnants of the thirst burning in my throat.

_It's not going to go that far tonight, but… be careful. I'll go warn Carlisle._

"I'm trying. If it gets to be too much, I'm fairly sure I'll be able to leave." She scowled at me, upset by the somber turn of our conversation.

"And it will be harder tomorrow," I pointed out. "I've had the scent of you in my head all day, and I've grown amazingly desensitized. If I'm away from you for any length of time, I'll have to start over again. Not quite from scratch though, I think."

"Don't go away then," she offered. I grinned at her embarrassment.

"That suits me. Bring on the shackles- I'm your prisoner."

"You seem more optimistic than usual," she said suddenly. "I haven't seen you like this before."

"Isn't it supposed to be like this?" I replied. "The glory of first love and all that. It's incredible, isn't it, the difference between reading about something, seeing it in pictures, and experiencing it?"

"Very different. More forceful than I'd imagined."

"For example, the emotion of jealousy. I've read about it a hundred thousand times, seen actors portray it in a thousand different plays and movies. I believed I understood that one pretty clearly. But it shocked me…"

_"I was wondering if…well, if you might be planning to ask me."_

"Do you remember the day Mike asked you to the dance?"

"The day you started talking to me again."

My train of thought, rather than coming to a screeching halt like most humans' would, instead took a detour to another part of my complex brain while the foremost piece pondered over this. Three guys- not one, not two, but three- had asked her to the dance on the same day. And yet, somehow, miraculously, the part she had remembered was that I had spoken to her.

"I was surprised by the flare of resentment, almost fury, that I felt- I didn't recognize what it was at first. I was even more aggravated than usual that I couldn't know what you were thinking, why you refused him. Was it simply for your friend's sake? Was there someone else? I knew I had no right to care either way. I _tried_ not to care. And then the line started forming."

I was met with silence, so I continued my story.

"That was the first night I came here. I wrestled all night, watching you sleep, with the chasm between what I knew was _right_, moral, ethical, and what I _wanted_. I knew that if I continued to ignore you as I should, or if I left for a few years, till you were gone, that someday you would say yes to Mike, or someone like him. It made me angry."

More silence. I had probably dazzled her accidentally, I mused.

"And then, as you were sleeping, you said my name. You spoke so clearly, at first I thought you'd woken. But you rolled over restlessly and mumbled my name once more, and sighed. The feeling that coursed through me then was unnerving, staggering."

_I struggled to find words to name the feelings that flooded through me, but I had no words strong enough to hold them. For a moment, I drowned in them._

"And I knew I couldn't ignore you any longer."

She looked at me, almost ashamed when I had mentioned her speaking my name, but as I explained how it made me feel, her eyes got softer.

It seemed she understood.

"But jealousy… it's a strange thing. So much more powerful than I would have thought. And irrational! Just now, when Charlie asked you about that vile Mike Newton…"

"I should have known you'd be listening," she groaned.

"Of course." Had she thought I would be content to know nothing of her life? Surely she would realize that, as I could not hear her thoughts, I would satiate my curiosity to the best of my abilities through those she spoke to?

"_That_ made you feel jealous though, really?"

"I'm new at this; you're resurrecting the human in me, and everything feels stronger because it's fresh."

"But honestly, for that to bother you, after I have to hear that Rosalie- Rosalie, the incarnation of pure beauty, _Rosalie_- was meant for you. Emmett or no Emmett, how can I compete with that?"

Never, in a million years of existing, would I understand the female obsession with physical beauty.

"There's no competition," I murmured as I pulled her to me. There never was, and never would be.

"I _know_ there's no competition," she whined. "That's the problem."

"Of course, Rosalie _is_ beautiful in her way, but even if she wasn't like a sister to me, even if Emmett didn't belong with her, she could never have one tenth, no, one hundredth of the attraction you hold for me."

"For almost ninety years I've walked among my kind, and yours… all the time thinking I was complete in myself, not realizing what I was seeking. And not finding anything, because you weren't alive yet."

"It hardly seems fair," she whispered- not what I had expected her to say. "I haven't had to wait at all. Why should I get off so easily?"

"You're right. I should make this harder for you, definitely."

She had no idea the things she would be giving up by choosing me. She would never be able to live in peace- I would always want to kill her, deep in the back of my mind. No matter how badly I tried to bury the monster, he would always, always thirst for her blood. Nor would I ever be able to touch her. Humans were, essentially, carnal creatures. She would never be satisfied with me. And, as a direct result of that as well as other obvious reasons, I could never give her children.

"You only have to risk your life every second you spend with me, that's surely not much. You only have to turn your back on nature, on humanity… what's that worth?"

"Very little- I don't feel deprived of anything."

Neither did Rosalie or Esme, at first. Alice, of course, never had that human desire to have beautiful babies. And if she did, she did not remember it. But over the years, it had tortured my mother and sister. Esme had substitutes, but Rosalie suffered for the life- existence- Carlisle gave her.

"Not yet."

Suddenly I heard Charlie shift, moving up the staircase. Bella was right. He had thought she was sneaking out.

"What-" She started. I moved into the shadows.

"Lie down!" She did as she was told, and Charlie opened the door, staring at her for a long moment.

Her breathing was erratic, too shallow. He would never believe that she was asleep.

But, miraculously, after a few moments he did close the door and go to bed. I sneaked back onto the bed, wrapping my arm around Bella.

"You are a terrible actress- I'd say that career path is definitely out for you."

"Darn it," she muttered as her heart began to hammer loudly. I smiled- it provided the perfect percussion for the lullaby, which I began to hum.

"Should I sing you to sleep?"

"Right, like I could sleep with you here."

"You do it all the time," I reminded her, chuckling.

"But I didn't _know_ you were here." She had a point.

"So if you don't want to sleep…" Bella inhaled sharply.

"If I don't want to sleep?"

"What do you want to do then?"

"I'm not sure," she said after a few moments of silence.

"Tell me when you decide." I moved closer, leaning over he slightly. I inhaled the scent of her blood in her carotid artery. It was stronger there than in her wrist, but not as strong as it was when I first encountered her.

"I thought you were desensitized," she accused.

"Just because I'm resisting the wine doesn't mean I can't appreciate the bouquet. You have a floral smell. Like lavender or freesia. It's mouthwatering." I didn't tell her that it was technically mouth-venom-ing.

"Yeah, it's an off day when I don't get _somebody_ telling me how edible I smell." I laughed, smiling at her words.

"I've decided what I want to do," she said suddenly. "I want to hear more about you."

"Ask me anything," I offered. And if things got too out of hand, I could easily divert her attention…

"Why do you do it? I still don't understand how you can work so hard to resist what you… are. Please don't misunderstand, of course I'm glad that you do. I just don't see why you would bother in the first place."

So simple. And yet, so very difficult to answer. How could I explain the sacrifices we made, the way it held our family together? How could I tell her about what I had done, who I had killed, how Carlisle had forgiven me magnanimously for every thing I had ever done wrong?

"That's a good question, and you are not the first one to ask it. The others- the majority of our kind who are quite content with our lot- they, too, wonder at how we live. But you see, just because we've been… dealt a certain hand… it doesn't mean that we can't choose to rise above- to conquer the boundaries of a destiny that none of us wanted. To try to retain whatever essential humanity we can."

They were Carlisle's words to Peter and Charlotte, the first time they visited our family after Jasper found Alice, who found us. They were confused as to why we viewed human prey as inexcusable, but then Emmett, in a moment of unparalleled wit, offered the vegetarian analogy.  
We lay in silence as I assumed she absorbed my words. Eventually the lack of conscious thought in the house- Charlie had fallen asleep- lead me to ask if she had done the same.

"No."

"Is that all you were curious about?"

"Not quite."

"What else do you want to know?" I had hoped that her questions could give me some insight as to her character.

"Why can you read minds- why only you? And Alice, seeing the future… why does that happen?" I shrugged. It was one of the many mysteries we had yet to solve bout our kind.

"We really don't know. Carlisle has a theory… he believes that we all bring something of our strongest human traits with us into the next life, where they remain intensified- like our minds, and our senses. He thinks that I must have already been very sensitive to the thoughts of those around me. And that Alice had some precognition, wherever she was."

"What did he bring into the next life, and the others?" That was easy for me to answer.

"Carlisle brought his compassion. Esme brought her ability to love passionately. Emmett brought his strength, Rosalie her… tenacity. Or you could call it pigheadedness. Jasper is very interesting. He was quite the charismatic in his first life, able to influence those around him to see things his way. Now he is able to manipulate he emotions of those around him- calm down a room of angry people for example, or excite a lethargic crowd, conversely. It's a very subtle gift." She lay in silence speaking after a few minutes.

"So where did it all start? I mean, Carlisle changed you, and then someone must have changed him, and so on…" A philosophical or theological discussion was not what I had been thinking of, but it was interesting nonetheless.

"Well, where did you come from? Evolution? Creation?" I posed the question.

"Couldn't we have evolved in the same way as other species, as predator and prey? Or, if you don't believe that this whole world could have just happened on its own, which is hard for me to accept myself, is it so hard to believe that the same force that created the delicate angelfish with the shark, the baby seal and killer whale, would create both our kinds together?"

"Let me get this straight- I'm the baby seal, right?"

"Right." I laughed, imagining it the other way around. Could she ever be the killer whale?

No.

I smiled, kissing her hair. She was so innocent, and yet still so sure of her own ferocity- even after seeing what I had to admit was just a fraction of mine.

"Are you ready to sleep? Or do you have more questions?"

"Only a million or two," she muttered.

"We have tomorrow, and the next day, and the next…" I could feel her smile in the darkness.

"Are you sure you won't vanish in the morning? You are mythical, after all." Some piece of me- the same piece that had flooded my veins upon hearing her whisper my name in her sleep- surfaced once more.

"I won't leave you."

"One more then, tonight…" And suddenly, I could feel the heat radiating from her face as she inevitably blushed in the dark.

Whatever she wanted to ask, it was good.

"What is it?" My voice was slightly too eager for my own good. Anything that embarrassed her revealed more about her than usual.

"No, forget it. I changed my mind." I wasn't giving in that easily.

"Bella you can ask me anything." She said nothing. There were no thoughts. I was suddenly very frustrated that I could not hear her mind.

"I keep thinking it will get less frustrating, not hearing your thoughts. But it just gets worse and worse."

"I'm glad you can't hear my thoughts. It's bad enough that you eavesdrop on my sleep-talking."

"Please?" She shook her head. I decided to go for the human-extortionist route.

"If you don't tell me, I'll just assume it's something worse than it is. Please?" Judging from the hammering of her pulse, I could tell that I was winning.

"Well…"

"Yes?"

"You said that Rosalie and Emmett will get married soon…" I wondered what Rosalie and Emmett's wedding would do to embarrass Bella. Did it have something to do with the scandal of our family all living together?

Is that… marriage…" Realization dawned on me.

"The same that it is for humans?" Sex. Bella wanted to know about sex. I laughed as I felt her blush even deeper.

"Is _that_ what you're getting at?"

She shifted, suddenly uncomfortable.

"Yes, I suppose it is much the same. I told you, most of those human desires are there, just hidden behind more powerful desires."

"Oh."

"Was there a purpose behind your curiosity?" I pushed.

"Well, I did wonder… about you and me… someday."

A thousand images flashed through my mind- most of them were Rosalie and Emmett knocking down houses- in the next three seconds. Too few of them were proper for me to consider with a woman who was not my wife, and none of them would be possible with someone as fragile, as delicate, as breakable as Bella was.

"I don't think that… _that_… would be possible for us."

"Because it would be too hard for you, if I were that close?"

"That's certainly a problem. But that's not what I was thinking of. It's just that you are so soft, so fragile. I have to mind my actions very moment that we're together so that I don't hurt you. I could kill you quite easily, Bella, simply by accident." I carefully lay my hand against her cheek, worrying about what I would do to her face if I had no control.

"If I was too hasty… if for one second I wasn't paying enough attention, I could reach out, meaning to touch your face, and crush your skull by mistake. You don't realize how incredibly _breakable_ you are. I can never, never afford to lose any kind of control when I'm with you."

I had told her that it was very possible I could kill her, and she replied with absolute, utterly maddening silence.

"Are you scared?" She waited an entire minute before answering. I listened to her heart slow steadily.

"No. I'm fine."

Fine? I had just told her that I couldn't make love with her without killing her and she said she was _fine_? Thoughts raced through my head- potential explanations, each one slightly less sensible than the last. However, just as Razhumikin said one must speak lots of nonsense before finding sense, a possible conclusion jumped into my head. It was unpleasant, and it depressed me. But I had been around humans enough to know how they were, what their nature was.

"I'm curious now, though… Have _you_ ever…?"

"Of course not," she hissed into the darkness as the heat other blush crept back up into her cheeks. I was relieved.

"I told you that I've never felt like this about anyone before. Not even close."

"I know. It's just that I know other people's thoughts. I know love and lust don't always keep the same company."

"They do for me," she said, snuggling up against me. "Now, anyway, that they exist for me at all."

"That's nice. We have that one thing in common, at least."

"Your human instincts… Well, do you find me attractive, in _that_ way, at all?"

I thought of her blue blouse and the way it clung delicately to her curves, the way her warm, fragile body felt beneath mine as we were smashed between two cars, all of the holes in her current wardrobe…

"I may not be a human, but I am a man."

She yawned then, and I chuckled.

"I've answered your questions, now you should sleep."

"I'm not sure if I can."

"Do you want me to leave?"

"No!" I blinked in surprise. It was not even a whisper. However, Charlie simply grunted and rolled over in his bed, sleeping peacefully. I laughed before beginning to hum her lullaby to her.

In only a few moments her breathing had slowed and deepened into a steady rhythm, and I knew that she was asleep. Leaning forward to whisper into her ear, I smiled slightly.

"In all the world, Bella, you are all I've ever wanted. All I've ever needed. I promise you, if it is possible, I will find a way to give you the universe."

* * *

**A/N: I have a plethora of Twilight stuff in the works, so if you like this, keep an eye out for those. Most notably, "Influenza and Other Tales" is already up and contains a series of one-shots from various perspectives.** **So if you've always wanted to see "that one scene" from "that one character's" perspective, let me know. I like a good challenge :D**


	5. Chapter 15: The Cullens

**A/N: I know I had this split up into two parts before, but that's dumb. This is the whole chapter. Chapter 16: Carlisle, coming soon... ;) [updated 5-22-2010]**

* * *

That night was one of the longest nights in my pathetically mundane existence. And yet, it was one of the shortest. There were so many things to consider with Bella.

Of course, the sleep talking came first.

"Edward," she mumbled about a quarter of an hour later.

"Yes, my love?"

"Edward…" She turned over to face me, and I thought she was awake. But instead, she curled up, throwing her arm around me and snuggling into my chest. Cautiously, I wrapped the blanket around her so she wouldn't freeze, and then I held her.

"Where are they?" she asked quietly.

"Where are what, my Bella?" I didn't know if she could hear me, but she responded.

"The diamonds." I remembered a conversation I had with Carlisle about human memory and sleep. There was a state of sleep - one that few people reached- in which they could be coaxed into spilling everything within their mind. They were not conscious enough to form memory, nor could they lie. I grinned.

It was an opportune moment.

"What diamonds, Bella?"

"In your skin." I burst out laughing at the image- quietly so Charlie couldn't hear, but laughing nonetheless. I made a mental note to share the story with my family.

"They're not diamonds, love... They're stars."

"Why?" I pondered for a moment before answering.

"Well… Once there was a vampire named Edward-"

"That's your name." Her mumbling was getting more and more intelligible.

"Mhm. And this vampire fell in love with an angel. Her name was Bella."

"Mmm… my name… Bella…"

"Indeed." I whispered into her ear. "But the vampire was so afraid of losing the angel that she flew up into heaven and picked the stars from the sky. She flew back down to the earth and turned them into tiny stars and painted them onto his skin. Now, if she cannot find him, she only needs to find the stars glowing. They'll guide her home."

"Edward?"

"Yes, Bella?"

"I love you." My eyes pricked. I couldn't cry, but I could feel as though I was about to. I kissed the top of her head and whispered into her ear.

"I love you, too."

She said nothing after that, falling into an even deeper sleep- one un-plagued by dreams or vampires with diamonds in their skin. Or stars.

As she slept, I went back to wondering. If she were to remain human, then she would need to know my family. If she were to turn- I tried to suppress the thought- then she would need to know my family. If I… did _that_… then she would not need to meet my family, but Alice would be furious either way. In the early hours of the morning I got up, making sure Bella was still tucked in safely, and I ran home.

I needed a change of clothes. And I needed to converse with my siblings. I had just broken through the trees surrounding the drive when short, dark-haired little demon flew into my ribcage, throwing her arms around me and mentally squealing as she knocked me back a few steps.

_Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!_

"Uh, Alice?" She stepped back, looking up at me, her arms still locked around my middle.

"What did I agree to do?"

_Well first of all, Emmett has to wear Rose's underwear for a week- and not that lacy one, either._

I raised an eyebrow, scanning for the minds of my family. Rose was sitting on her bed getting her makeup on, laughing as Emmett was trying to pull something out of his…

"Oh."

"Yeah. Jazz took my side, of course."

"Was anybody on Emmett's?"

_Rose wanted to, but she decided not to._

"Wishful thinking? She's too smart to bet against you."

_Something like that. Besides, whose underwear would she get?_ I chuckled.

"Was there something else?"

"You've decided to bring Bella home."

"Ah." Alice let go of me and we started walking back towards the house.

"So tell me, why did you follow me last night?"

"I saw two possibilities. One is the night that actually happened- thank God."

"And the other?"

_Not so good. _Her memories engulfed me as I watched myself in the potential night.

"Bella _and_ Charlie?"

"Yeah. It was pretty bad."

"Good thing you were there," I said.

_Good thing you have so much self control._ She stopped, staring at the front door as I reached out to open it. Her vision filled my head. When it was over, we rolled our eyes and muttered simultaneously- she said it like an excuse, but I made it an expletive.

_"Rosalie."_

"Sorry," Alice started. "I should have warned you that she would-"

"You say that like I couldn't figure it out myself." We both laughed.

Esme greeted us at the door, smiling. I glanced at Alice, who looked up at me sheepishly.

_I sort of called a family meeting when I saw you coming home…_

Rosalie was pulling Emmett down the stairs when we walked in. Esme was still grinning, just like Alice, and as we walked over to take our seats at the table, Carlisle even had a slight grin on his face. With all the smiling, Jasper couldn't help but pick up on the atmosphere, regardless of Rosalie's contempt.

"Edward?" Carlisle asked, motioning for me to start.

"As some of you know, my day- and night- with Bella went exceptionally well. I stayed in the _chair_, Emmett. Across the room from her." It wasn't entirely true, but _I_ was the one who could read minds. And I promised myself that I'd be in the chair when Bella woke up.

He snickered.

"While she was sleeping, I was thinking… that no matter which path ends up being the correct one-"

Alice threw a memory at me. It was the one of Bella with the golden eyes. _Well_, I thought, _at least I know where she stands._

"It would be beneficial for Bella to… meet us. All of us. As my…"

"Girlfriend?" The snarl belonged to Rosalie. "Is your human pet your girlfriend now? How special."

"Rosalie, if I didn't know any better I'd say you were jealous," Emmett chuckled as he threw his arm around her shoulders. "Bell's cool with me, Edward."

"As long as she already knows about us, she may as well meet us. As a family," Carlisle agreed. Esme nodded, her smile still unbroken.

"Whatever you think is best," Jasper said quietly while placing his hand over Alice's.

_Thank you thank you thank you._

Rosalie scoffed, getting up from the table and storming off to the garage.

"Just chill, Edward," Emmett said casually, wincing as he stood up. "I'll calm her down."

"I'll go get dressed!" Alice chirped. We all stood, and Carlisle placed his hand on my shoulder as the rest of them went back to whatever it was they were doing.

_I'm very proud of you, my son._

"I didn't think I would be able to do it."

_But you did. And she's safe. You have such strong self-control._

"I learned from the best." He chuckled.

_Alice and I will keep her safe, today. You should go back to her._

"Thank you."

* * *

Although I couldn't hear her thoughts, I could feel the atmosphere shift as she woke. She seemed tense, as if she were fighting with her consciousness. And then she suddenly sat up, placing a hand on her head and grimacing.

"Your hair looks like a haystack," I commented. "But I like it."

"Edward!" I was surprised, for a moment, trying to gauge her reaction. As always, she mystified me.

"You stayed!" It was as if she expected me to leave her. She practically skipped across the room, flinging herself into my lap. I couldn't help but laugh at her enthusiasm.

"Of course." Technically I had left, of course, but there was a perfectly good reason for that. She leaned her head in to rest it against my shoulder as my hands found their way up and down her back. She sighed, quietly. The sound of it would have made my heart stop, had it still been beating. Her breath was hot against my icy skin.

"I was sure it was a dream."

"You're not _that_ creative." Was she? She had figured out what I was… With help. I laughed again.

"Charlie!" She suddenly remembered, sliding out of the chair and stepping quickly across the room. I had watched him that morning from the tree line across the street. He replaced the car parts he had removed in an attempt to keep her home the night before, then drove off towards the station. I relayed all of this to Bella.

"I have to admit, I was disappointed. Is that really all it would take to stop you, if you were determined to go?"

But she didn't respond. Her eyes flickered between me and the door. I froze in panic. Had the truth finally sunk in? Had she realized that she spent her day with a monster who was willing to kill her at any minute, listing for her blood as-

"I need another human minute." She blushed.

The relief swelled through me like a tidal wave.

"I'll wait." She returned a few moments later, but her pulse still hammered, giving her away. She hadn't relaxed at all. And her pulse didn't slow as she retraced her steps to the chair in the corner, where I sat patiently waiting for her.

"Welcome back." We cuddled in the chair for a few minutes when she suddenly reached her hand up to touch the collar of my shirt.

"You left?" I couldn't understand how a question could sound so accusatory.

"I could hardly leave in the clothes I came in. What would the neighbors think?"

She looked up at me, her eyes shimmering as her lower lip stuck out slightly. I realized that she was pouting at me.

"You were very deeply asleep. I didn't miss anything... The talking came earlier."

"Ugh. What did you hear?"

_Edward... Edward... Where are they?... The diamonds...In your skin... Edward?... _

"You said you loved me."

"You knew that already," she said as though it wasn't supposed to mean anything to me. But it did, somehow. Every time I heard it, I was overcome with the image of the dark angel, my angel, who had come to watch over me.

"It was nice to hear, just the same." She buried her face in my shoulder and whispered.

"I love you."

"You are my life now." And it was true. I knew that if I allowed for the worst to happen-either of Alice's visions- then I would simply die. There was no way I could exist without her.

I tried to remember when all this happened. Somehow this girl, my beautiful Bella, had gone from being a complete stranger to the nebulous meteor at the center of my universe. Everything in my life revolved around this mystery, this girl... This _human_ girl. Humans had needs.

"Breakfast time," I muttered quietly.

Bella leaned back looking up at me, her big brown eyes wide. Her hands moved to her throat, where she wrapped her fingers around protectively.

I panicked. What was she thinking? Did she really think I would eat her? Had the day before meant nothing to her? I had never been so close to hurting her before, not even on the first day of school whens he walked into biology and the warm scent of her blood coursed through the room, seeming into my nostrils and burning my throat like acid...

"Kidding!" she chirped. "And you said I couldn't act!"

"That wasn't funny."

"It was funny and you know it." _Would any other mortal be so nonchalant as to joke about such a thing?_ I mused. _Probably not._

"Shall I rephrase? Breakfast time for the _human_." I picked her up, gently, and threw her over my shoulder. There was no time to waste. Today would be a very important day. She tried to protest, but we were in the kitchen and she was seated in her chair before she could really complain. She looked up at me, smiling slightly.

"What's for breakfast?"

I froze.

I had absolutely no experience with human food. Even when I was human- which was nearly a century ago- I never handled the food. I just ate it. My mother had done all the cooking.

"Er... I'm not sure. What would you like?" I could manage, if I had to.

She grinned wider, getting out of her seat and making her way towards the pantry.

"That's alright, I fend for myself pretty well. Watch me hunt." I snickered mentally at her analogies. Once again, she had turned into the kitten-tiger I was so fond of. But this time, rather than fury, she was comparing herself to a huntress. It was like watching a kitten chase a butterfly.

When she was seated safely at the table with her bowl of cereal, she looked up to me, her eyes suddenly worried.

"Can I get you anything?"

She was concerned with manners. I laughed internally again, rolling my eyes for her to see.

"Just eat, Bella."

I watched shamelessly, fascinated with her every movement. Although they were human, her muscles still contracted as she moved. I followed the contours of her body, from her beautiful face to her deliciously tangible neck, down her shoulders and her arms to her delicate wrists. She must have realized I was watching her, because she cleared her throat.

"What's on the agenda for today?"

"Hmmm..."

I needed a way to phrase the question delicately, so that Bella would not be frightened. Not that I wasn't absolutely positive she would be terrified, anyway.

"What do you say to meeting my family?" She nearly choked on her cereal. "Are you afraid now?" Stupid question. She obviously was.

"Yes."

"Don't worry." I thought of Rosalie, lunging for Bella, and how much I wanted an excuse to fight her- for real. Sure, she was my sister, but her pigheadedness was infuriating and her thoughts towards Bella were blood-boiling. "I'll protect you."

I'm not afraid of _them_," she started. "I'm afraid they won't... _like_ me." I barely heard the rest of her explanation.

"Won't they be, well, surprised that you would bring someone... like me... home to meet them? Do they know that I know about them?"

"Oh, they already know everything. They'd taken bets yesterday, you know-" I remembered Emmett's face through Rosalie's eyes as he squirmed out of her underwear after he had fulfilled his duty as the loser. "On whether I'd bring you back, though why anyone would bet against Alice, I can't imagine. At any rate, we don't have secrets in the family. It's not really feasible, what with my mind reading and Alice seeing the future and all that."

"And Jasper making you feel all warm and fuzzy about spilling your guts, don't forget that." I smiled.

"You paid attention."

"I've been known to do that every now and then... So did Alice see me coming?"

_White skin, blank eyes; white skin, gold eyes; __white skin, blank eyes; white skin, gold eyes..._I turned away form her, unable to answer the question she didn't know she asked.

"Something like that." I looked back to her cereal.

"Is that any good? honestly, it doesn't look very appetizing..."

"Well, it's no irritable grizzly," she muttered. I was slightly offended- she was making fun of my dietary choices, when they were the very choices that meant she was still alive now?

Choices. Bella's very life was a precarious balance of choices. And not just mine, either, unfortunately. Her choices were an equal part of the balance that kept me form killing her. And important, too, were the choices my family would make in the upcoming hours. If Rosalie could manage to go the day without trying to kill Bella, then perhaps things would become easier. But I knew too much about my family to expect that.

Alice was overjoyed, which meant that Jazz, however irritated about our situation, would not do anything that would result in me having to fight him. Although Esme- who would, like Carlisle, approve of Bella- disapproved of fighting, I knew Jasper was very skilled. My only advantage was my extra hearing. If it came down to a battle for Bella's life, I might not win.

Suddenly, I realized that I had frozen, and was staring out the window into the forest towards home. I turned back to Bella, forcing a smile that I hoped wasn't too ersatz.

"And you should introduce me to your father, too, I think."

"He already knows you."

"As your boyfriend, I mean."

"Why?" She glared, suddenly suspicious.

"Isn't that customary?" I inquired. She would have to get used to me playing by the rules.

"I don't know." She looked worried. "That's not necessary, you know. I don't expect you to..." She was beautiful when she was struggling for words. Of course, she was beautiful anyway, but still. "I mean, you don't have to pretend for me." I smiled. She was so oblivious.

"I'm not pretending."

She said nothing, choosing to bite her lip and play with the remainders of her food. It sounded like something Emmett would do hunting...

There were two reasons I wanted to be introduced as Bella's boyfriend. The first being that, obviously, he would want to know why I was always around. The second was that there was a very real chance that something could happen to Bella, and that if the worst should happen, I wanted her family, namely Charlie, to know who to find.

"Are you going to tell Charlie that I'm your boyfriend or not?"

"Is that what you are?" Her question shocked me.

"It's a loose interpretation of the word 'boy,' I'll admit."

"I was under the impression," she started quietly, looking at the table and refusing to meet my gaze, "That you were something more, actually."

"Well, I think we can spare him all the gory details," I said quietly. Against my better judgment I reached over and touched her face, gently moving it to face mine.

"But he will need some explanation as to why I'm around here so much. I don't want Chief Swan getting a restraining order put on me."

"Will you be?" She asked, her voice full of hope. "Will you really be here?"

"As long as you want me."

"I'll always want you," she said almost sternly. "Forever."

She had absolutely no idea what it was she wanted. She said forever, but did she know how long that was? I had lived less than a century as an immortal and I had not, until her, been completely satisfied with my life. Our life was difficult. It involved traveling constantly, changing what we did, who we were, where we lived. It was less nomadic than our non-vegetarian kinsmen, sure, but that didn't stop us from hating it every time we agreed that it was time to move on.

She was just a little girl, not even an adult by human standards. She did not know what she could possibly be sacrificing by choosing to stay with me. I was the living dead. I could not provide her with that which almost all human females eventually wanted: children. Esme had to make do with us as her surrogate children, and though she never complained, I could hear her thoughts. I was virtually all-knowing, Bella excluded. And though she tried her best to hide it from me, I knew she thought about the children she would never have. Alice, luckily, was transformed before she ever really felt anything human. She had only her vampire urges, and child-rearing was not one of them. Rosalie was far more crippled in that arena than the others. Her life's ending, and the incident that started it, had occurred because she wanted children. She wanted to marry and be happy and have what her friend had. She had died- sort of- wanting children.

She was so beautiful, my Bella. _My_ Bella. And I would do anything I could to protect her from the existence I was forced to live. Alice would be wrong. there was no other choice. I couldn't bear to allow her to exist forever. She needed her soul. Keeping her alive, in the sense that I was alive, would be the single most selfish thing I could ever do.

"Does that make you sad?" She was looking at me sadly, her eyes full of concern.

My mind blanked as I stared into her eyes. I loved her. I was in love with her. I was completely, utterly, madly in love with this girl. She had my heart locked away for eternity. She was the only one who had this power over me, and she was the only girl I had ever, or would ever, feel this way about ever again.

I loved her.

"Are you finished eating?"

"Yes."

"Get dressed. I'll wait here."

She moved quickly, and I smiled to myself. She must have wanted to be with me. In a matter of no time at all, she was bounding down the stairs.

"I'm decent," she called. She almost ran into me. Of course, with her balance and coordination, the demi-collision nearly knocked her over. I reached out to steady her when I realized what she was wearing.

It was the blue sweater. _The_ blue sweater. It clung to her skin, her every curve, drawing my eyes downward again, then back up. I soaked in every minute detail of her presence before pulling her even closer to me.

"Wrong again. You are utterly indecent. No one should look so tempting, it's not fair."

"Tempting how? I can change..."

I sighed. She was so completely oblivious, she didn't even realize what I was saying. Was she so unused to flattery? It wasn't as though my mortal competition- I cringed internally at the thought of Mike Newton having anything to do with Bella as my competition- did not work exceedingly hard at complimenting her.

"You are so absurd." It only took me half a second to deliberate, but by my vampire standards it was a very painful decision. However, as I pressed my lips to her forehead I couldn't help but think about how much I wanted it. It made me smile, a little, to feel her breathing speed up along with her pulse.

"Shall I explain how you are tempting me?"

Carefully, I allowed my hands to move down the curves of her spine. She leaned into me, putting more pressure on my chest as if she were about to push me away. But, instead, she leaned up slightly. I was vaguely aware of my unnecessary breathing speeding up, but I still leaned in to kiss her again.

Bella instantly went limp in my arms.

"Bella?"

"You…made…me…faint." Her voice was barely more than a whisper, but it amused me all the same.

"What am I going to do with you? Yesterday I kiss you, and you attack me! Today you pass out on me!"

She laughed.

"So much for being good at everything," I muttered, half to myself.

"That's the problem." She retorted. "You're too good. Far, far too good." She was pale, her breathing was shallow, and she looked worse than the day I caught her outside of biology.

"Do you feel sick?"

"No - that wasn't the same kind of fainting at all. I don't know what happened." She shook her head, looking at me incredulously.

"I think I forgot to breathe." Was I _capable_ of doing that? I wondered how my family would react to see Bella in such a fragile state.

"I can't take you anywhere like this." Her eyes flashed in retaliation.

"I'm fine. Your family is going to think I'm insane anyway, what's the difference?" I sighed slightly, giving up any thoughts passing through my mind about keeping Bella as far away from Rosalie as was vampire-ly possible.

"I'm very partial to that color with your skin."

"Look, I'm trying really hard not to think about what I'm about to do, so can we go already?" I tried not to chuckle.

"And you're worried, not because you're going to meet a houseful of vampires, but because you think those vampires won't approve of you, correct?"

"That's right."

"You're incredible."

I insisted on driving Bella's truck- I wanted to actually meet my family that day, after all- and I drove in relative silence. It was part nerves that kept me from bombarding her with more questions. She had revived a part of me that was more human than vampire and my human side did not want Rosalie to figuratively eat her. My vampire side did not want Rosalie to literally eat her.

I watched her out of the corner of my eye as I turned up the road that led to my house. Alice heard the tires pulling up the drive and sent me a mental stream of thank yous as she told everyone in the household to make themselves presentable.

Bella inhaled sharply as the house came into view.

"Wow."

"You like it?"

"It... has a certain charm."

I smiled. She was slightly overwhelmed, I could tell, but she liked it. I lightly pulled on the end of her ponytail before opening her door.

"Ready?" I could hear her pulse quicken as she replied, "Not even a little bit. Let's go."

She laughed quietly while smoothing her hair, more of a sputter, as if it were forced. She was an odd sort of human, I could tell. She willingly faced things that frightened her, knowing it was something she could do if she really had to. I could tell that though she was terrified of meeting my family, she actually _wanted_ to. It was this drive that would give her the courage to do so. It was the kind of courage she needed if we were to be together.

"You look lovely," I told her as we walked up the path to the porch. Her muscles tensed with every step and I rubbed small circles into the back of her hand to calm her. You learn a lot of strange things when you live multiple lifetimes.

I opened the door for her, allowing her inside. She inhaled sharply as she took in the interior of the house. Her eyes widened as she examined everything - the glass wall, the staircase, and the decorations. Her vision moved towards the piano, where my parents were standing. I could feel her heart start to hammer again, and familiar pain burned in my throat.

_She's beautiful, Edward._ Carlisle. I smiled, just enough for him to see me. However, neither he nor Esme moved towards us. Esme explained silently.

_Alice told us not to frighten her. I don't think _we're_ that intimidating, but Rosalie..._ I intentionally blocked out her thoughts, which, as usual, were a more or less steady stream of profanities. Bella was still standing next to me not moving, so I introduced them.

"Carlisle, Esme, this is Bella."

"You're very welcome, Bella," Carlisle said first, stepping forward slowly. He thoughts that it would be easier for Bella to meet a vampire you had already examined her head, and the idea made me smile.

"It's nice to see you again, Dr. Cullen." Esme crooned. _She's so polite!_

"Please, call me Carlisle._"_

"Carlisle," Bella repeated, smiling. I could feel her relaxing and I mirrored her.

Excited that the greeting was going well, Esme stepped forward next, trying a little too hard to go at human speed. "It's very nice to know you," she said as she shook Bella's hand. I noticed the peculiarity of "know you" in lieu of "meet you", but I doubt Bella did.

"Thank you. I'm glad to meet you, too."

"Where are Alice and Jasper?" I asked the question out loud for Bella's sake, but I knew they were waiting at the top of the stairs for their cue.

"Hey Edward!" Alice skipped down the stairs gracefully, but fast enough that Esme should her a warning glance. She didn't want Bella frightened, but she had already seen what we were capable of, and she did not seem even remotely disturbed by Alice's speed. She slid to a perfect stop in front of us and greeted Bella, bouncing forward to kiss her cheek.

I froze immediately. Not only was she unusually bouncy - and for her, that took a _lot_ of effort - but she was dangerously close to Bella. Although she had the ability to see the future, Bella did not. My family had lived with Alice for decades. We were accustomed to her behavior being centered around things that had not happened yet. Usually, the way she reacted concurred with what eventually happened. But sometimes it didn't. Normally, it wasn't a big deal. If a human was starting to catch on to us, we could just disappear in the middle of the night. It wasn't a problem. But it wasn't a matter of _our_ survival this time. It was a matter of Bella's. If Alice got close to her and Bella felt uncomfortable, the entire balance of our relationship - already precariously balanced as though on the point of a pin - would collapse. And even worse - though my mind tried not to stray into thinking about that possibility - I couldn't help but consider what happened if I did something wrong. If I screwed up, if I made a mistake, if I accidentally hurt Bella. . . It would kill me. But it would kill Alice, too. Carlisle liked her, Esme liked her, Emmett liked her, Jasper was indifferent to her, Rosalie didn't count, but Alice was different. I loved her, and Alice loved her already, too. If I did something that got Bella killed, I would be hurting Alice as much as myself. And that was a very dangerous place to be. For both of us. From the looks of Carlisle and Esme, they were thinking the same thing. I didn't need to see their faces, though, to know they were.

"You do smell nice, I never noticed," Alice chirped. Carlisle uttered a warning at a volume Bella could not hear. She seemed to get the hint, because she backed off slightly and Jasper descended the stairs. A feeling of calming warmth flooded the room, and I sensed it was as much for my sake as it was for Bella's. He stopped a good fifteen feet away and smiled slightly.

"Hello, Bella."

"Hello, Jasper. It's nice to meet you all. You have a very beautiful home."

"Thank you," Esme replied. "We're so glad that you came."

Jasper had fed before she came, to keep his thirst at bay, but as Bella spoke to Esme he smelled her blood and his throat burned. It was like a shock wave to me. My thirst for her blood suddenly doubled. It was a sensation that I was not prepared to handle, and for a moment I tensed in both predatory anticipation and absolute fear that I would not be able to stop myself. But Jasper caught himself, sending an extra wave of calm my way. Carlisle witnessed the whole event, talking me through it.

_Stay strong, my son. Never forget, you are strong. You love this girl, it is plain to see. You are strong enough to overcome your thirst.  
_

I hoped he was right.

_Alice may or may not have told you, Edward. But there are visitors coming soon. Alice has not foreseen a problem, but still. You know how these things work, the slightest change and everything falls apart. I need you to be _extra _careful with Bella in the upcoming weeks._

I nodded slightly, suppressing the urge to hunt down anyone who might hurt her... Bella, meanwhile, had glanced over to the piano.

"Do you play?" Esme asked, curious.

"Not at all," Bella said. With her coordination skills, I wasn't surprised. I chided myself for my thoughts. "But it's so beautiful. Is it yours?" Esme laughed.

"No. Edward didn't tell you he was musical?"

"No. I should have known, I guess. Edward can do everything, right?" Esme looked at me as Jasper snickered quietly.

"I hope you haven't been showing off." I caught the meaning, even if Bella didn't. She wasn't just talking about musical skills, but I decided to tell her about the little show I put on for Bella at a later point in time. Besides, Bella had said I didn't frighten her. No sense in worrying Esme. "It's rude."

"Just a bit," I said, laughing. Esme's face changed in an instant. I could tell that though she couldn't cry, she wanted to.

_I have not heard you laugh in such a long time, my son. It is such a beautiful sound... _I could tell the look in Esme's eyes said that if she could be crying, she would be._  
_

"He's been too modest, actually," Bella corrected me.

"Well, play for her," Esme smirked. I grinned.

"You just said showing off was rude."

"There are exceptions to every rule."

"I'd like to hear you play," Bella chimed in. Esme smirked again.

"It's settled then." I sighed lightly, taking Bella's hand and pulled her to the piano. She sat down on the bench beside me.

I started with a song I had written for Esme ages ago, and Bella's jaw dropped in astonishment.

"You wrote this?"

"It's Esme's favorite," I replied. Carlisle's whisper made it to my ears, though not Bella's.

"He'll play her lullaby next."

_We'll give you some privacy,_ Esme said as she and Carlisle backed silently out of the room.

Bella closed her eyes and shook her head.

"What's wrong?" I inquired.

"I'm feeling extremely insignificant." Silly girl, I thought to myself. She was the most significant thing in the world to me. She ought to know that by now. We sat in silence as I finished Esme's song.

It was a rather complex piece, designed to be both comforting and uplifting. It had an unusual back story for a song. It was created in nineteen forty. Esme had begun to feel the effects of childlessness, mostly because we were acting as siblings at the time and not her children. She had suffered a terrible loss in her lifetime, and even in death - as close to death as were, being vampires - she suffered terribly for it. I had composed this piece for her, and presented it to her on Mother's Day. Everyone ignored the holiday, usually, but I could hear Esme thinking about it, though she tried so hard not to. It was a bit of a shock to the entire family, but ever since then we had lived as her children, and though she had none of her own, as surrogates we filled her need.

The song came to a close and I transitioned swiftly into the lullaby that Bella had inspired. I told her. She remained silent, but it was a beautiful kind of silence. It was the kind of silence where no one had to say anything. I was playing the song, telling her through music how I felt about her, and in her silence she was telling me she appreciated it. It was a beautiful moment.

"They like you, you know." I assured her. "Especially Esme."

Bella turned around, gasping when she realized they were no longer there.

"Where did they go?"

"Very subtly giving us some privacy, I suppose." I didn't suppose, of course. I knew.

Then Bella sighed, and I was overcome by a sense of irritation. It wasn't directed at Bella, of course. It was directed at myself. I was the one who was irritated that I could not read her thoughts. I wondered if it wasn't some sort of weakness I had. This human's blood was so alluring, so tempting to me... could it have been a mere coincidence that it was also she who was able to keep her thoughts from me?

It was painful to me not only because I had been accustomed to practical omniscience, but because I cared for Bella now, on a much more personal level. I loved her. It was instinct, some sort of chivalry complex, I suppose, to help her. I wanted to help her. I wanted to know what was wrong so I could help her, but I couldn't because she was loathe to tell me what she was thinking and I, for whatever unknown reason, could not tell what she was thinking, even with my extra powers.

Luckily, Bella told me this time.

"_They_ like me. But Rosalie and Emmett..." her voice trailed off. Emmett liked her, of course. He just thought I was mad for trying. He had found someone, once, whose blood called to him the way Bella's did to me. It did not end well. The memories he had sometimes surfaced on accident, though he tried to keep them from me. It was a mess. He knew how hard it was to resist, and I knew it wasn't for a lack of faith in me that he thought I would have cracked by now. He thought so because he had done so, and it only made sense that I would do so. Every second I spent with Bella was a test of my strength, a test of faith.

"Don't worry about Rosalie," I said. No really. Don't. "She'll come around." Maybe, maybe not. But either way, her opinion was irrelevant now. We had rules, and I was breaking every one of them by being with Bella, by showing her what we were, by bringing her into our home. Rosalie's fear was different from Emmett's simple belief. She worried for our entire family. From the outside it probably looked to Bella like Rosalie's worry was based off of our fear of being discovered by humans. But we had something much, much more frightening to be worried about. I decided not to tell Bella about them, of course.

It seemed I made the decision to not tell people things quite often. That was one of the catches to being able to know almost everything you ever wanted. You had to make decisions about redistributing knowledge.

"Emmett?" Bella asked.

"Well he thinks _I'm_ a lunatic, it's true, but he doesn't have a problem with you." That was something I felt safe telling Bella. Emmett really did like her. Now that it was apparent I could handle the stress, he was rooting for Alice's gold eyed vision.

"He's trying to reason with Rosalie," I explained.

"What is it that upsets her?" Bella asked innocently.

My thinking sped up to a million miles per minute. Rosalie was human for hours after her attack. The event had enough time to significantly imprint itself onto her memory. Though she hid it expertly from almost everyone, I could hear her thoughts. Alice, too, I figured would sometimes see visions of Rosalie's reactions to news reports, but she never said anything, never gave any sign that she knew what had happened still haunted Rosalie. She tried to stay strong about it, and she was.

But that kind of thing doesn't go away so easily.

I had explained to Bella on multiple occasions that our instincts where that of the human, merely overshadowed by other, more urgent instincts. The same thing went for our minds. They thought in the same patterns, though they had the ability to unction faster and work on multiple levels at once. But they all still did the same thing. Rosalie sometimes had flashbacks, still. It was usually enough for her to go out into the garage and work on her cars for a few hours, but there were times when she still came back into the house sending waves of fury in every direction. Everyone in the family knew she had a temper and gave her her privacy when she had those moments. Only I was burdened with the knowledge that she was only faking it as a sort of preservation.

It was a horrendous thing Rosalie endured, but what Carlisle had taken away from her was equally damaging. I know that he had acted out of pure, selfless altruism. I know that he acted only to save Rosalie's life. But his choice to turn her, though in part a hopeful attempt at making me a companion, was mostly to save her life. However, we were essentially made of stone. Though we knew hunger, our bodies were almost incapable of change. The pregnancy Rosalie so desperately wanted required a body capable of doing things Rosalie could not. Though her thoughts were mostly shallow, mostly vain, there were times where I could see that she envied the one thing vampirism could not give her. She would be prettier than all the other girls, she would be more wanted and desired than all the other girls, but she would never, never be bale to have children.

This is what Rosalie envied in Bella. Bella, who could be part of our world, and still have children. Not my children, of course. But she was still human and she had that capability. These things were all connected, I realized, as I tried to decide ho best to explain this to Bella. A mere two seconds had passed before I decided. This was Rosalie's story. Rosalie could tell it to Bella herself, when she was ready.

I sighed.

"Rosalie struggles the most with..." Killing never bothered her. Hunting never bothered her. The power never bothered her. But Bella didn't need to know all of that. "...what we are. It's hard for her to have someone on the outside know the truth." She was terrified of the Volturi. Duh. Who wouldn't be? "And she's a little jealous," I added. It was the truth, of course. She was plenty jealous. Bella, on the other hand, didn't believe me.

"_Rosalie_ is jealous of _me_?" Incredulous, it seemed. I put on my best nonchalant face, hoping that it was enough for Bella.

"You're human. She wishes that she were, too."

"Oh. Even Jasper, though..." I mentally sighed in exasperation. It was as though she _wanted_ my family to hate her.

"That's mostly my fault." There was no chance in hell I was going to have Jasper, weakest in his vegetarianism, getting close enough to Bella that I couldn't interfere. We had to move on more than one occasion because Jasper got a little too close to someone.

"I told you he was the most recent to try our way of life." Alice, of course, had seen a vision of us almost immediately and decided she may as well try vegetarianism from the beginning. Jasper, however, was not so quick to catch on. "I warned him to keep his distance."

Bella shuddered. It was a relief to me. She wasn't completely oblivious to the danger.

"Esme and Carlisle?"

"Are happy to see me happy." And it was true. Carlisle had tried to make me a companion, once. He took my disagreement with Rosalie personally for a while, though he eventually got over it. He loved Esme deeply, and had hoped that Rosalie and I would have that same bond. He loved Emmett, and was glad that he meant as much to Rosalie as Esme did to him. When Jasper and Alice showed up they were already paired off. I had been the odd one out for a very, very long time. Esme worried, of course, as much as any mother would. I think Emmett took it for granted that Tanya and I would branch off together and make our own coven some day, but I was not so interested. Rosalie didn't care, and of coruse Alice saw it never happening, something I think she shared with Jasper. Everyone just wanted me to be happy.

"Actually, Esme wouldn't care if you had a third eye and webbed feet. All this time she's been worried about me, afraid that there was something missing from my essential makeup, that I was too young when Carlisle changed me. Shes ecstatic. Every time I touch you, she just about chokes with satisfaction.

"Alice seems very... enthusiastic." I was definitely _not_ going to tell Bella about Alice's vision.

"Alice has her own way of looking at things." Yeah. Her way was looking before they happened.

"And you're not going to explain that, are you?"

Bella knew. Bella knew I was hiding something. But she also knew that I wasn't going to tell her.

"So what was Carlisle telling you before?"

"You noticed that, did you?" I had hoped she wouldn't notice, but alas, she did...

"Of course."

Alice's vision had yet to see immediate interaction. No one in the visiting group had decided whether or not they were going to make contact. They were curious, of course, but that was hardly relevant. It was dangerous for them, habitually, to wander into foreign territory. Vegetarian or not, a coven as large as ours was a threat to other vampires. Especially nomads.

"He wanted to tell me some news. He didn't know if it was something I would share with you." I had to, of course.

"Will you?"

"I have to, because I'm going to be a little...overbearingly protective over the next few days. Or weeks. I wouldn't want you to think I was naturally a tyrant."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong, exactly." Nothing yet. "Alice just sees some visitors coming here soon. They know we're here, and they're curious."

"Visitors?"

"Yes. Well - hey aren't like us, of course. In their hunting habits, I mean." These were in no way, shape, or form vegetarians. "They probably won't come into town at all, but I certainly won't let you out of my sight until they're gone." For once, I was glad that I couldn't sleep, that I didn't ever need to.

Bella shivered. I was ecstatic.

"Finally, a rational response. I was beginning to think you had no sense of self preservation."

Bella rolled her eyes slightly, covering for the movement by glancing around the room.

"Not what you expected, is it?" The media had royally screwed up our image, to say the least.

"No."

"No coffins, no piled skulls in the corners, I don;t even think we have cobwebs." No stone castles, no bats, no tapestries, no knightly armor suits that watch you walk down the halls, no candlebras..."What a disappointment this must be for you."

"It's so light. So open."

Our entire history was based off of persecution. Vampires were very difficult to kill. Difficult, but not impossible. In earlier centuries, around Carlisle's time, people believed in us and we were threatened because we _were_ a threat. We were threatened because we were _real_, and it was very possible that an angry mob could find us when we were weak. As time progressed and technology advanced, we became obsolete. We were irrelevant. We meant nothing. We were simply stories, legends, myths. But this brought out a new sense of danger. Mankind had used technology to create some truly terrible things. If word got out _now_ that we were real, well... there were enough movies about governments taking creatures hostage and doing strange experiments. There were also enough movies about wars between humans and non-humans. It was very clear to us now. We could not be killed in traditional methods, but we had our ways. If we were exposed, it was only a matter of time until someone figured out how to kill us. And then, the hunt would begin. It was dangerous. Even when living amongst humans, we had to keep to ourselves. We had to be careful. Everything we were was about remaining in the shadows, never coming into contact with the creatures we all wished we could be.

As soon as I spoke, I knew my voice carried a serious tone that would probably frighten Bella.

"It's the one place we never have to hide."

As I finished the song, Bella thanked me. Her voice was slightly choked, and I glanced over to see tears in her eyes. I knew the feeling. Though I could no longer cry, I could feel the little pinprick sensations in my eyes when I would be crying if I still could. And I knew that though very few things could move me to that point, I knew that music was one that could. I was envious in many ways as I watched Bella dab at her eyes. Emotions were one of the things vampirism muted instead of intensifying. I could no longer be overcome with emotion the way humans could. Part of me felt that it was because when I had been transformed, my soul had died. Carlisle often discussed these things with me, for he started as a man of religion and remained a man of spiritual faith long after his transformation. He thought that vampires had the choices that humans did, and our actions reflected our souls. he thought that our choice to not harm humans was proof of them.

She missed a tear, and I wiped it away for her. The feeling of the fluid on my finger was so strange to me all of a sudden.

Bella definitely still had a soul. It was in her kindness, in her beauty. It was in the way she cried at the loveliness of music and I, for an inconceivable moment, hated her for it. I wanted it. I wanted to understand what I had forgotten until meeting her, I wanted to understand the beauty of life and the precious way humans struggled throughout their lives, seeing the metaphorical clock ticking down to their untimely deaths. I wanted to know everything she was feeling. Quickly enough that I don't think she saw me, I stuck my finger in my mouth. It tastes like salt. Almost like blood, but not satisfying.

And then it was over.

"Do you want to see the rest of the house?" I asked. It was simple. But I had a feeling that she was curious.

"No coffins?" She asked sarcastically. I laughed.

"No coffins."

* * *

"You can laugh. It _is_ sort of ironic." As it turned out, Carlisle discovered early on, the whole crucifix thing was not actually important. Crosses had no effect on us. Carlisle, of course, had taken his family heirloom and kept it with him throughout the centuries. It was a nice decoration, but it hardly got any of the respect it deserved. It wasn't every day someone had a seventeenth century artifact in their house. I laughed, thinking to myself. _Carlisle _is_ a seventeenth century artifact._

Bella leaned forward and extended her hand as if she were about to touch it. Apparently she decided that it was not something she wanted to touch, because she withdrew her hand.

"It must be very old," she said.

"Early sixteen thirties, more or less." We had no way of knowing for sure. Bella stared at me in shock.

"Why do you keep it here?"

"Nostalgia. It belonged to Carlisle's father."

"He collected antiques?" Bella's voice was tinged with doubt. There was no way she was going to believe what I was about to tell her.

"No. He carved it himself. It hung on the wall above the pulpit on the vicarage where he preached."

Bella's face confirmed what I had thought - she was shocked. Carlisle's story was an interesting one, and I made a point of reminding myself to see him, and let him explain his story himself. He was a good story teller when he was in the mood.

"Are you alright?" I asked Bella.

"How old is Carlisle?"

"He just celebrated his three hundred and sixty second birthday." What I was about to say was very important. Bella was about to see the side of us that she had not seen yet. Sure, she knew that we were practically invincible, but she didn't know about the age thing. It hadn't set in yet. Humans, in their short lives, always dreamed of living longer, never truly realizing how horrible it was to watch everything you loved slowly dying away as it aged, and you, remaining there for ever. She insisted that I was no threat to her, but I was still scared that any minute, she would realize what I was, what my family was, and run out of the house screaming bloody murder. We would have to move, of course. And Rosalie and Jasper would both throw in a vote in favor of killing Bella. Leave no witnesses... it was imperative that I did not frighten her.

"Carlisle was born in London, in the sixteen forties, he believes. Time wasn't marked as accurately back then, for the common people anyways. It was just before Cromwell's rule, though. He was the only son of an Anglican pastor. his mother died giving birth to him. His father was an intolerant man. As the Protestants came into power, he was enthusiastic in his persecution of Roman Catholics and other religions. He also believed very strongly in the reality of evil. He led hunts for witches, werewolves, and vampires." Bella stilled at the word. "They burned a lot of innocent people. of course, the real creatures that he sought were not so easy to catch." We were the ones created to do the catching.

"When the pastor grew old he placed his obedient son in charge of the raids. At first Carlisle was a disappointment - he was not quick to accuse, to see demons where they did not exist. But he was persistent, and more clever than his father. He actually discovered a coven of true vampires that lived hidden in the sewers of the city, only coming out at night to hunt. In those days, when monsters were not just myths and legends, that was the way many lived. The people gathered their pitchforks and torches, of course." I laughed, darkly. They should have known those would be of no use against a natural born predator. "They waited where Carlisle had seen the monsters exit into the street. Eventually one emerged."

This was an intriguing part of the story.

"He must have been ancient, and weak with hunger. Carlisle heard him call out in Latin to the others when he caught the scent of the mob. He ran through the streets and Carlisle - he was twenty three and very fast - was in the lead of the pursuit. The creature could have easily outrun them, but Carlisle thinks he was too hungry, so her turned and attacked. he fell on Carlisle first, but the others were close behind, and he turned to defend himself. He killed two men and made off with a third, leaving Carlisle bleeding in the street."

It was a macabre story, but Bella kept a straight face. Mostly. Once again, in my fashion, I decided not to tell someone something. Bella didn't need to know about the transformation process - especially if she were going to be transformed someday.

"Carlisle knew what his father would do. The bodies would be burned - anything infected by the monster must be destroyed. Carlisle acted instinctively to save his own life. He crawled away from the alley while the mob followed the fiend and his victim. He hid in a cellar, buried himself in rotting potatoes for three days. It was a miracle he was able to keep silent, to stay undiscovered. It was over then, and he realized what he had become."

I could never imagine the pain Carlisle went through, being altruistic in nature, to discover that he was something generally believed to be Evil incarnate. He suffered much mentally before coming to terms with his perceived 'vampire soul'.

"How are you feeling?" I needed to know that she was okay.

"I'm fine."

She was fine, but she bit her lip in hesitation. It was something humans did when they were holding something back. I could tell it wasn't fear. She wanted to know as much about our way of life as she possibly could. The relief instantly relaxed me.

"I expect you have a few more questions for me."

"A few."

"Come on then. I'll show you."

* * *

**A/N: Over 10,000 words for this chapter. Now I know what SM meant when she said Edward thinks about stuff way more than Bella. Holy crap.**

**I know I haven't updated this story in over a year, but (WTF? I don't know what's wrong with me) I'm feeling the muse again and all I can say is that I hope (1) you forgive me and (2) I can finish this story while I still feel inspired and (3) you tell all your Twihard friends about it. (Shameless self promotion, I know.)  
**

**Sorry, sorry, sorry, a thousand apologies. But I'm here now! Love you all.  
**


	6. Chapter 16: Carlisle

**A/N: Yeah, yeah. I know it took me a year to finish that last chapter. Sorry. I got all caught up in school and whatnot... But I'm watching the trailers for Eclipse, and it's getting me all twi-cited again, so yeah. Here I am! I really am sorry it took me so long :(**

**Oh, and another thing, I know it's really interesting to hear Edward's thoughts and all, but I'm going to do a little experimenting with this chapter, because everything's all 'he said she said he said she said Edward thinks this, etc. etc.' so yeah... I figured this chapter would work to take a break from that format because it's a lot of Carlisle's history.  
**

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* * *

**Carefully I led Bella backwards toward the place we had just come from. Carlisle was close enough that he should have heard us. We paused outside the door. It was more a sign of respect than wondering whether or not we were welcome. I knew he was waiting for us, but just because I was omniscient didn't mean all sense of common courtesy had to leave the house. Carlisle welcomed me first, then spoke out loud for Bella's sake.

"Come in."

I opened the door softly, leading Bella into the room. She observed her surroundings, looking in awe at the massive collection that stacked up Carlisle's book shelves. They were enormous and covered up the walls, containing thousands of books. He sat at his desk reading an enormous volume that contained hundreds of accounts of demons in seventeenth century England. I suspected that he was looking for information about his family, but I had no idea and didn't feel like asking. He place the bookmark to hold his spot and closed the book, standing up and smiling at Bella.

It was that smile that put his patients at ease so quickly. Part of it was the vampire's ability to charm, I suspected, but most of it was all Carlisle. He was the kind of person who was innately good, innately altruistic, and it showed. It was the kind of personality trait that beamed out of every pore in his stone hard body, the kind of air he carried himself with that could light up a room by simply walking into it. He was my role model, and my father in every way that counted. Often I felt extreme guilt at not being able to exhibit the kind of self-control Carlisle had, though I knew it had taken him centuries to perfect it. He was a doctor, now. He could work with humans, with open bleeding, and he could save them. Without flinching. Without hunger. Without pain.

It was an ability I envied greatly. He had found himself in an impossible decision and made the only acceptable choice. He learned to take this curse that was our existence, and turn it into something positive. He was built to be a predator. He was built to hunt people. He was built to destroy, to kill. And yet he chose not to. He chose to dedicate his life - more time than the mortal life would ever have - to saving them. He chose to do what no vampire before him had ever chosen to do.

He chose to be good.

"What can I do for you?"

"I wanted to show Bella some of our history. Well, some of _your_ history, actually."

_We are a family. Our history is the same._

"We didn't mean to disturb you." Bella blurted out, slightly embarrassed.

"Not at all. Where are you going to start?"

"The Waggoner," I said as I pointed Bella towards the other wall - the one we had just come in. Every time I touched her, I heard her heart speed up. She must have realized this time that Carlisle could hear it, too, because I felt the warming sensation of the blood rising to her cheeks.

_You two are close._

I dragged her over to the picture I was looking for, giving a slight nod that only Carlisle would have noticed.

"London in the sixteen-fifties."

"the London of my youth." I heard Carlisle approach, but the surprise made Bella flinch. I smiled, squeezing her hand. Carlisle thought a silent apology for startling her.

"Will you tell the story?" I asked him.

"I would." _I don't know what you would want me to edit out. This is for you to decide. _"But I'm actually running a bit late. Dr. Snow is taking a sick day. Besides, you know the stories as well as I do." _I know that you don't want her to know everything about us. I know you worry about frightening her. It is better that you explain our history._

Carlisle smiled at Bella again before leaving the room. She looked up to me, curious.

"What happened then, when he realized what had happened to him?"

I decided that I would tell the story as Carlisle had told it to me, making the necessary edits for her sake...

* * *

_I was both terrified and repulsed. I had been raised to believe that vampires were demons, that they were monsters, that they had no souls. I was raised to believe that there was no shred of humanity in them. To wake up and find myself as one of them... it was the most terrifying thing I have ever experienced. I didn't want to exist. I didn't want to be alive, because I had thought that my life was not really a life so much as a cursed existence. I believed that I was a demon._

_I made the decision relatively quickly. I am surprised, now, to think of it. I didn't want to be alive. So I tried not to be. The first time I climbed up the rock face of a cliff. I stood at the top, with the sea air blowing, and the scents were so intense. I could see everything so much more clearly as a vampire. I could hear things I didn't hear before, I could see things I couldn't see before. But the hunger, the thirst... it was so intense that it burned. My throat burned, and it was almost as bad as the transformation. I was worried, at first, that I was still transforming. But I knew the moment I smelled blood... the pain intensified. I realized that the pain was hunger, but I also learned that I didn't need to breathe, so I held my breath and did not smell the blood anymore. The pain subsided just enough for me to get away from civilization._

_I contemplated everything that I was, standing on that cliff, and then I jumped. I had hoped the fall would kill me, but of course - our skin is so much more durable than mortal skin. And I had hoped that if that failed, then I would drown. Needless to say, I had forgotten that I didn't need to breathe. I washed up on shore, irritated at my failure, and very wet. I wasn't cold, obviously. But I was determined to do it right. I made a few more attempts, jumping from various heights, always with the same results. Every attempt made me more desperate to succeed, but I never did. I strayed from the human population, pushing myself deeper into the wilderness, trying to avoid what I believed would be inevitable if I did not kill myself._

_I'll never forget that day... I was literally starving to death, and I think it was sort of my final act of defiance. I couldn't kill myself before killing a human, so I would kill myself by _not_ killing humans. I was deep in the forest, and it had been over a year since my transformation. I was very weak, and very close to death. It was merely by chance that the herd of deer passed by me then. They were close enough to me that the smell of blood was overwhelming, and of course I was literally dying. I didn't realize what had happened until I was done. The entire herd was slaughtered. But I was strong. I was full.  
_

_It was miraculous. I had the epiphany then. I could live off of animal blood. I was scared at first, unsure how the animal blood would sustain me. But slowly, I started inching __my way back toward civilization. And it took me very little time to realize that I could live entirely off of animal blood, and I never had to kill a human. Self control was hard to learn at first, but once it did I could pass as a human. I could live among them. It was a startling revelation, but one that gave me so much hope for my new life. I decided to go to Europe, so I swam the channel to France.  
_

_I had always been a scholar of sorts, so it was only natural for me to educate myself as I assimilated into the humans' world once again. I had to travel a lot in my younger years, because communities were tight and superstition still held strong. But eventually that dissipate__d, and I was free to go where I pleased. I learned everything that I could about any topic I could find along the way. I dabbled in philosophy, theology, music, science. __While in Italy I spent some time with the Volturi. A few decades was enough time for me to realize that though they were civilized, they would never understand my nature. It was not in me to kill humans in life, nor would it be in death. So I came to the new world. _

_I found my calling in medicine. I was able to help people, able to save lives. I made a vow that though I would never kill a human, I would save as many as I could throughout my lifetime to make up for the lives lost to creatures that did not make that choice. I atoned for the sins of my species by saving as many as I could. Medicine was a tricky field for me, however. It took me nearly two centuries of excruciating discipline, and as you know I am now almost completely immune to the scent of human blood. Once I was able to pass that test, I got right in the middle. I saved lives in every medical disaster since the end of the romantic period - plagues, epidemics, wars. All the while trying to atone for my species._

_I continued to practice medicine. It was an odd thing for me, however, to be so far away from the Volturi. The solitude was starting to get to me. I wanted a companion terribly, but I did not want to do to another what had been done to me. I was terribly naive and was not exactly sure about how to transform another, even if I could, mentally. Then, during the Influenza Epidemic, I found a startling young man with no family, dying of the disease. I made a promise to his mother to save his life at all costs._

_So I did.

* * *

_"Have you always stayed with Carlisle then?" She asked, curious as ever.

"Almost always." I led her out of the room and down the hall.

"Almost?" I hated how she always caught on when I didn't want to tell her something, and yet when there was something blatantly obvious sitting right in front of her - that I had an insatiable thirst for her blood, for example - she had no idea. I didn't want her to know about my period away from Carlisle. I didn't want her her to know what I had done, what I was capable of. I wanted her to know that I was dangerous, and that she was better off without me. But I didn't want her to actually know that I had killed humans before. I was torn between hiding yet another thing from her, and telling her exactly what she wanted to know. I opted for the latter.

"Well... I had a typical bout of rebellious adolescence, about ten years after I was born-" Was that the right word? "-created, whatever you want to call it. I wasn't sold on his life of abstinence, and I resented him for curbing my appetite. So I went off on my own for a time."

"Really?" There was no hint of fear in her voice. Only the desire to know more about me.

"That doesn't repulse you?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I guess... it sounds reasonable." She never ceased to amaze me.

"From the time of my new birth I had the advantage of knowing what everyone around me was thinking, both human and non-human alike. That's why it took me ten years to defy Carlisle - I could read his perfect sincerity, understand exactly why he lived the way he took me only a few years to return to Carlisle and recommit to his vision. I thought I would be exempt from the... depression... that comes with a conscience."

I was too young. I was a fool. I did not realize that the guilt of killing would build up inside of me until I couldn't take it anymore. I reached my breaking point far sooner than I had thought I would.

"Because I knew the thoughts of my prey, I could pass over the innocent and pursue only the evil. If I followed a murderer down a dark alley where he stalked a young girl - if I saved her, then surely I wasn't so terrible." An angel of death. The epitome of retribution. Justice. Blinded. Bella shuddered.

"But as time went on, I began to see the monster in my eyes. I couldn't escape the debt of so much human life taken, no matter how justified. And I went back to Carlisle and Esme. They welcomed me back like the prodigal. It was more than I deserved... My room." I opened the door, giving her room to look around. She liked to observe her surroundings.

The subject was immediately dropped as we walked into my room. i watched her closely as she examined my sound system and decorating, smiling.

"Good acoustics?" I smiled and nodded.

She turned on the radio and jazz filled the room as she examined my CD collection. It was unusual for me to speak so openly with anyone. It was difficult to keep secrets from my family, but every other person I came into contact with - all we were was secrets. We always had to hide things, cover them up. It was never that way with Bella. I could tell her everything, and though it frightened me, anticipating her reaction virtually deaf, unable to tell what she was thinking, and though it frightened her, she was determined to work past everything that stood in our way, just as I was. She was truly my angel. I almost didn't catch her asking me how my collection was arranged. I explained as she turned to look at me. Her face changed when she saw my expression, and the faintest hint of a line appeared between her eyebrows.

"What?"

"I was prepared to feel relieved... having you know everything, not needing to keep secrets from you. But I didn't expect to feel more than that. I _like_ it. It makes me happy."

"I'm glad."

Something in her facial expression was wrong. My face changed enough for her to notice.

"You're still waiting for the running and screaming, aren't you?" Of course I was.

"I hate to burst your bubble, but you're not as scary as you think you are. I don't find you scary at all, actually."

I knew she was lying. I knew she was faking it to make me feel better, because even though she was scared of me sometimes, she wasn't about to run.

"You really shouldn't have said that."

I lowered myself into a crouch, all the while reminding myself to be very, _very_ gentle. She was breakable. Oh so very breakable. She glared at me, backing away slowly.

"You wouldn't."

As it turns out, I would. And I did. Every so slightly, I pounced. She didn't see me coming. I was careful to wrap my arms around her to protect her, and she was barely moved.

"You were saying?" It was a playful growl, not enough to actual do anything. Bella smirked, though her sarcasm was diluted by he breathlessness. Beneath her skin, just inches beneath me, her fragile, fragile heart pounded as her blood raced through her body...

"That you are a very, very terrifying monster."

"Much better."

"Um..." She placed her hands on my shoulders and pushed lightly. I hoped it was more about body language, because there was no chance in hell she could ever push me around. I laughed as she asked, "Can I get up now?"

_Stop terrorizing my best friend._ It came from the hallway. _Seriously. You'll scare her away._

"Can we come in?" Bella struggled to get up but I merely readjusted her before calling out my acquiescence. Alice and Jasper stepped through the doorway. Jasper stayed on the other side of the room, but Alice went to the middle of the floor and sat. Jasper stared at me for a moment, surprised.

_A bit of fear, a bit of amusement, and more than a dash of sexuality, Edward... you can't possibly be thinking of... she's so fragile... _

I slid my head quickly to the left, and then to the right, as Alice was talking.

"It sounded like you were having Bella for lunch, and we came to see if you would share." _As a courtesy for her sake, Edward, you know you have to share her with me._

Bella froze, which made me grin. I made the decision to tell Alice, "Who's scaring her now?" in a few minutes, but of course as soon as I did she saw it coming.

_Touche._

"Sorry, I don't believe I have enough to share."

_Edward, I swear to God, if you continue to be more difficult than is actually necessary_- Just because we were vampires didn't mean the sibling rivalry didn't flare up every once in a while. Though Alice and I usually picked the same side - freaks among freaks - it was nice to have a playful banter going with her.

"Actually," Jasper stepped in, sensing the raised levels of competition and probably worrying about Bella's safety, "Alice says there's going to be a real storm tonight and Emmett wants to play ball. Are you game?"

I hesitated. We had visitors coming soon, and I didn't want Bella to be left alone during that time. But vampire baseball was also not really the safest place for Bella to be.

"Of course you should bring Bella!" Alice smiled from the floor. Jasper stared at her, thinking immediately of her vision of strangers.

_Because if you do then you _have_ to share. Hah. I win._

Bella was part of our family now. This was one of our family's favorite things to do. I was suddenly excited. This could be fun, and I could still protect her.

"Do you want to go?"

"Sure." She looked confused. "Um... where are we going?"

"We have to wait for thunder to play ball - you'll see why." I sort of explained it to her.

"Will I need an umbrella?" We all laughed. It was something none of us ever worried about.

"Will she?" Jasper turned to Alice.

"No, the storm will hit over town," She said as she searched. Weather was more easy to predict, because it didn't really ever change its mind.

"Good, then." Jasper sent a wave of light amusement over the room, as much for my sake as for Bella's.

_Relax. It's just baseball._

"Let's go see if Carlisle will come." Alice got up and turned toward Jasper.

"Like you don't know." He teased playfully as he led her from the room.

_Don't for get. We can still hear you._ Jasper closed the door behind him as he went.

"What will we be playing?" Bella asked. I smiled. There wasn't a single human who could ever keep up with us.

"_You_ will be watching. We will be playing baseball."

"Vampires play baseball?"

Silly Bella, I thought to myself. She was always so... incredulous. She needed confirmation that we played baseball, that we drove cars, that we were educated, that we did all the things that humans do. But I went out of my way to tell her how dangerous we were and she ignored me. Typical.

I thought about the phrase best used to describe our love of baseball.

"It's the American pastime."


End file.
